Daily Joke

Bumper Sticker

2012-01-29T00:23:00.000-08:00

Seen on abumper sticker...

Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

Harley Davidson T-Shirt

2012-01-28T03:26:00.000-08:00

Seen onthe back of a Harley-Davidson T-Shirt:

"Ifyou can read this, my bitch fell off."

Limerick

2012-01-27T00:33:00.000-08:00

There wasa young lady called Valerie

Whostarted to count every calory

Said herboss in disgust:

"Ifyou lose half your bust

You'll beworth only half of your salary!"

Yiddish Proverb

2012-01-26T00:08:00.000-08:00

You wantto hear God laugh? Tell him your plans.

Yiddishproverb

Doctor One Liner

2012-01-25T04:46:00.001-08:00

I said tothe doctor "I have this ringing in my ears."

He said,"Don't answer it!"

Kid's Lord's Prayer Joke

2012-01-24T00:46:00.000-08:00

A motherwas teaching her three year old daughter the Lord's Prayer.For several evenings at bedtime, she repeated it after hermother. One night she said she was ready to go solo.

The motherlistened with pride, as she carefully enunciated each wordright up to the end..."And lead us not into temptation", sheprayed, "but deliver us some e-mail, Amen."

Rookie Policeman Joke

2012-01-23T02:40:00.000-08:00

A rookiepolice officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an experiencedpartner. A call came over the car's radio telling them todisperse some people who were loitering.

Theofficers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standingon a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said,"Let's get off the corner."

No onemoved, so he barked again, "Let's get off the corner!"

Intimidated,the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glancesin his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policemanturned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"

"Prettygood," replied the veteran, "especially since this was a bus stop."

Mad Cow Joke

2012-01-22T02:33:00.000-08:00

Two cowswere talking in the field one day.

FirstCow: Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that's going around?

SecondCow: Yeah, makes you glad you're a penguin, doesn't it?

Punctuation Joke

2012-01-21T06:31:00.000-08:00

See the difference punctuation makes -

DearJohn,

I want aman who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful.People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior.You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelingswhatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy - will you let me beyours?

Gloria

DearJohn,

I want aman who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior.You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelingswhatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let mebe?

Yours,

Gloria

Boxing

2012-01-20T01:15:00.000-08:00

To me,boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreographyand the dancers hit each other.

J. Handy

Courtroom Joke

2012-01-19T00:06:00.000-08:00

A judgeasked a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a school teacher witha chain saw."

From out in the audience a man shouted, "Lyingbastard!"

"Silence in the court!", the judge shouted back to the man. He turnedto the defendant and said, "You are also charged withkilling a paperboy with a shovel."

"Tightwad!", blurted the managain.

"Quiet!", yelled the judge who continued, "You are also charged withkilling a mailman with an electric drill."

"Son ofa..." the man started to shout when the judge thundered back, "If you don't tell mereason for your outbursts right now, I will hold in contempt!"

So theman answered, "I've lived next to that man for ten years now, but do youthink he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one!"

Missing Wife Joke

2012-01-18T01:28:00.000-08:00

An olderman approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall. "Excuse me," said the man. "I can't seem to find my wife. Canyou talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, "Ofcourse, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?"

"I have no idea, but any time I talk to a pretty young woman like you, sheseems to appear out of nowhere."

New Priest Joke

2012-01-17T00:02:00.000-08:00

The newpriest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sitin on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the oldpriest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub yourchin with one hand ...and try saying things like 'yes, I see,' and 'yes, goon,' and 'I understand.'..."

The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats allthe suggested remarks to the old priest.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better thanslapping your knee and saying, 'No shit? What happened next'?"

Thomas Edison Quote

2012-01-16T03:42:00.001-08:00

Many oflife's failures are people who did not realize how closethey were to success when they gave up.

Thomas Edison

Blonde Air Passenger Joke

2012-01-15T00:52:00.000-08:00

On aplane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class sectionand requested that she move to coach since she did not have a firstclass ticket.

The blonde replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful;I'm going to New York; and I'm not moving."

Not wanting to argue with a customer, theflight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talkwith the woman, asking her to please move out of the first classsection.

Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful;I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."

The co-pilot returned to the cockpit andasked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'mmarried to a blonde, and I know how to handle this."

He went to the first class section andwhispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to thecoach section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't someone just sayso?"

Surprised, the flight attendant and theco-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move fromher seat.

He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going toNew York."

Kermit The Frog Quote

2012-01-14T00:01:00.000-08:00

"Time'sfun when you're having flies."

Kermit the Frog

Crossing The Road One Liner

2012-01-13T02:05:00.001-08:00

Why did thegrape cross the road?

To getaway from the grapefruit.

Butterfly One Liner

2012-01-12T00:46:00.000-08:00

Q. Howcan you tell when a butterfly farts?

A. It flies in a straight line.

Male And Female Flies Joke

2012-01-11T03:21:00.000-08:00

A womanwalked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting flies", her husband responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" she asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

"Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone," he said.

Blonde One Liner

2012-01-10T01:20:00.001-08:00

What doyou call 2 blondes in the front seat of a car?

Dual airbags!

Golfer Joke

2012-01-09T02:00:00.000-08:00

A man wasasked to play in a golf tournament but he demurred.

Then they told him, "Come on. It's for handicapped and blind kids."

He thought, "Hey! I could win this thing!"

Pastor Joke

2012-01-08T00:13:00.000-08:00

PastorBrown was driving to church Sunday in his Cadillac when he spied Pastor White riding a bicycle. He stopped and asked, "What happened to yourChevy?"

"Things have been tight lately. I had to sell it to pay the churchmortgage."

"You need to preach on tithing and the importance of sharing one's wealthwith God and Church this Sunday, Pastor White. How do you think I got my newCadillac?"

The next Sunday he saw Pastor White only this week he was walking.

"What happened? Did you have to sell your bike?"

"No," said Pastor White. "I think one of my parishioners stoleit."

"That's terrible," said Father Brown. "This Sunday, preach theTen Commandments and when you get to 'Thou Shalt Not Steal,' lay it on extraheavy. I guarantee your bike will mysteriously reappear."

Sure enough, the following Sunday Pastor Brown saw Pastor White, and this weekhe was back on his bicycle.

Pastor Brown said, "See? I told you the Ten Commandments would do thetrick."

Pastor White sheepishly replied, "Well, it did help, but not like youthought. When I got to 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,' I remembered where Ileft my bike!"

Bear In A Bar Joke

2012-01-07T00:35:00.000-08:00

Bit of a groaner, this!

A bearwalks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar withhis paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in barsin Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer tobelligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm goingto eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bullybears in bars in Billings."

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bullybears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."

(Groan!!)

The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."

Henpecked Husband Joke

2012-01-06T01:04:00.000-08:00

Ahenpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself."You don't have to let your wife bully you," he said. "Go home andshow her you're the boss."

Thehusband decided to take the doctor's advice. He went home,slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and growled,"From now on you're taking orders from me. I want my supperright now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs and layout my clothes. Tonight I am going outwith the boys. You aregoing to stay at home where you belong. Another thing,you know who is going to tie my bow tie?"

"Icertainly do," said his wife calmly, "the undertaker."

Tech Joke

2012-01-05T00:33:00.000-08:00

Thecorporate CEO was having trouble with his iPad. So he called Richard, the 11-year-old next door, whose bedroom looks likeMission Control, to come over.

Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solvedthe problem.

As he was walking away, the CEO called after him, "So, what waswrong?"

"It was an ID ten T error," replied Richard.

The CEO didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, IDten T error? What's that ... uh ... in case I need to fix it again?"

Richard grinned ... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T errorbefore?"

"No," the CEO replied.

"Write it down," said Richard, "and I think you'll figure itout."

So the CEO wrote down: I D 1 0 T .....

The CEOis still looking for someone to explain it to him.

Hunter And Bear Joke

2012-01-04T03:12:00.000-08:00

In themiddle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. In hisfear, all attempts to shoot he bear were unsuccessful. Finally, heturned and ran as fast as he could.

The hunter ran and ran and ran, until heended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim. Seeing no way out of his predicament, andwith the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on hisknees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give thisbear some religion!"

The skies darkened and there was lightningin the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to anabrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused.

Suddenly, the bear looked up into the skyand said, "Thank you, God, for the food I'm about to receive...."

Divorce Joke

2012-01-03T00:22:00.000-08:00

A man andwoman had marriage problems and decided to end their union after a very shorttime together.

In court, the judge asked the husband, "What has broughtyou to the point where you cannot keep this marriage together?"

Thehusband replied, "In the six weeks we've been married, we haven't agreedon one thing."

"Seven weeks!" interrupted his wife.

Paddy And The Priest Joke

2012-01-02T00:03:00.000-08:00

The localpriest came across Paddy who had stumbled out of the towntavern.

"Paddy,"he said, " I'm afraid I'll not be seeing you in Heaven one day."

"Really,Father?" slurred Paddy. "What have you done?"

Little Lucy Insect Joke

2012-01-01T01:15:00.000-08:00

LittleLucy was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating."Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?"

"They'remating, Lucy" he replied.

"Whatdo you call the spider on top, Daddy?" Lucy asked.

"Oh,that's a Daddy Longlegs."

Lucyasked, "Oh, so one's a Daddy Longlegs and the other one is a MommyLonglegs?"

Daddyreplied, "No, both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

Lucythought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat. "Well,we're not having THAT sort of thing in our garden!!"

Little Johnny Joke

2011-12-31T00:24:00.000-08:00

Johnny:Dad, can you write in the dark?

Dad: Ithink so. What do you want me to write?

Johnny:Your name on this report card.

Goldfish One Liner

2011-12-30T00:18:00.000-08:00

Twogoldfish are in a tank when one turns to the other and says "Do you know howto drive this thing?"

Santa's Bad Day Joke

2011-12-29T04:47:00.000-08:00

Oneparticular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for isannual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick,and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones soSanta was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs.Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa evenmore.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about togive birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. Morestress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toybag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went intothe house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden theliquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentallydropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over thekitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the strawend of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He openedthe door, and there was a little angel with a great Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it alovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stickit?"

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Flasher One Liner

2011-12-28T00:18:00.001-08:00

Did youhear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?

He decided to stick it out for one moreyear!

Mark Twain Quote

2011-12-27T01:28:00.001-08:00

When Iwas fourteen years old, I was amazed at how unintelligent my father was. By the time I turnedtwenty-one, I was astounded how much he had learned in the lastseven years.

Mark Twain

Stockbroker Joke

2011-12-26T01:07:00.000-08:00

Astockbroker catches his wife in bed with another man.

He says to her, "What's going on?"

She says, "Believe it or not, John, I've gone public!"

Irish Christmas Tree Joke

2011-12-25T01:13:00.001-08:00

It's Christmas time and Paddy and Shaun decide to go look for a Christmas Tree. They gather their axe, a sled, and a broom to brush the trees off so they can get a good look at them.

When they finally reach a fine group of trees, Shaun brushes off the first tree, and stands back with Paddy to look at it. "Well, Paddy, What do you think?"

"Sorry, Shaun, this tree won't do. Let's try another one."

They come upon another nice tree, Shaun brushes it off, and they both look at it. "How about this one, Paddy?"

"Not quite, Shaun. Let's keep looking."

This goes on until nightfall. Both Paddy and Shaun are cold, tired, and hungry. "Well, Paddy, what do we do now?"

"Shaun, I think we should take home the next tree we find, whether it has lights on it or not..."

Christmas One Liners

2011-12-24T00:06:00.000-08:00

Who's the bane of Santa's life?

The elf and safety officer.

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa.

How do you know if Santa is really a werewolf?

He has Santa claws!

Irish Gambling Joke

2011-12-23T03:05:00.000-08:00

Sixretired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphyloses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playingstanding up.

Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's to tellPaddy's wife. Who will it be?'

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to bediscreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is memiddle name. Leave it to me.'

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphyanswers and asks what he wants.

Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.'

'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife.

'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.

Church Notices

2011-12-22T00:02:00.001-08:00

Thefollowing are all from various church e-newsletters and sent to members oftheir, respective, congregations.

1. NextThursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they canget.

2. A beansupper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..

3. At theevening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?". Comeearly and listen to our choir practice.

4. Pleaseplace your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you wantremembered...

5.Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

Confession Joke

2011-12-21T05:21:00.000-08:00

A priestwas being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, since the politician was delayed, the Priest decided to say his ownfew words while they waited.

“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heardhere. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first personwho entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, whenquestioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolenmoney from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with hisboss's wife, taken illegal drugs and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. Butas the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had,indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people”.

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologiesat being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk.

"I'll never forget the first day our Parish Priest arrived," said thepolitician. "In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go tohim for confession."

Insurance Salesman Joke

2011-12-20T00:09:00.001-08:00

Despitehis best sales pitch, a life-insurance salesman wasunable to get a couple to sign up for a policy.

"Icertainly don't want to frighten you into a decision," heannounced, standing up to leave ...

"Pleasesleep on it tonight, and if you wake up in the morning,let me know what you think."

Cowboy Bar Joke

2011-12-19T02:52:00.000-08:00

Anewcomer was drinking in an Old West saloon when a cowboy ran through theswinging doors, yelling, "Big Jake's a'comin'!"

The placeimmediately emptied, leaving the newcomer and his beer alone at the bar. Sure enough, soon a seven-foot tall, 350-pound cowboy swaggered in, barelyfitting through the double doors.

Heglanced around the saloon and, seeing no one but our friend, marched over tohim, grabbed him by the scruff of the neck, threw him over the bar, andbellowed, "Gimme whisky!"

Theshaken man complied, found a full bottle, and placed it and a glass on the bar. The huge cowboy bit the glass neck right off the bottle, spat it on the floor,and emptied the fifth in one giant swig.

Thenewcomer, not sure what to do next, timidly asked, "Uh, do you wantanother?"

"Nope," the cowboy growled. "Gotta go. Big Jake's a'comin'!"

Kid's Spelling Joke

2011-12-18T00:56:00.000-08:00

Akindergartner was practicing spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator:cat, dog, dad, and mom had been proudly displayed for all to see. Onemorning while getting ready for the day, he bounded into the room with hisarms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: G-O-D.

"Lookwhat I spelled, Mom!" with a proud smile on his face.

"That'swonderful!" his mom praised him. "Now go put them on the fridge so Dad cansee when he gets home tonight."

The momhappily thought that her son's Catholic education was certainly having animpact. Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen: "Mom? How doyou spell 'zilla'?"

Robin Williams Quote

2011-12-17T01:18:00.001-08:00

"Ah,yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals throughhis wallet."

Robin Williams

Carol Leifer Quote

2011-12-16T00:17:00.000-08:00

I'm notinto working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Carol Leifer

Ronnie Corbett Quote

2011-12-15T00:03:00.000-08:00

A cementmixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout forsixteen hardened criminals.

Ronnie Corbett

Some Puns

2011-12-14T03:51:00.000-08:00

1. Did youhear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

2. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, whichproduced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little,which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.This made him.... A super calloused fragilemystic hexed by halitosis.

3. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardesslooks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed perpassenger."

4. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to afamily in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family inSpain, and they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture ofhimself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husbandthat she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds,"They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

Blonde Truck Drivers Joke

2011-12-13T00:18:00.000-08:00

A coupleof blonde men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blonde men walked in the officeand said,"We need some four-by-twos."

The clerksaid, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"

The mansaid, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck.

Hereturned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."

"Allright. How long do you need them?"

Thecustomer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check."

After awhile, the customer returned to the office and said, "Along time. We're gonna build a house."

Actual Newspaper Headlines

2011-12-12T08:07:00.000-08:00

1. LawyerSays Client is Not That Guilty

2. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

3. Legislator Wants Tougher Death Penalty

4. Man Jumps Off Bridge. Neither Jumper Nor Body Found

5. After Detour to California Shuttle Returns to Earth

6. Woman Improving After Fatal Crash

7. Deer Kill 17,328

8. Old School Pillars Are Replaced by Alumni

Opinion Quote

2011-12-11T21:03:00.001-08:00

"Myopinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right."

Ashleigh Brilliant

Geek Quote

2011-12-10T07:16:00.001-08:00

"Idon't have anything against geeks. I was one for 11 years! I used to think PCs were the greatest thing sincesliced bread... Then someone showed me sliced bread."

Unknown, from Charles Seggelin's 1996 Quote Book

Punctuation Joke

2011-12-09T02:31:00.001-08:00

The importance of correct punctuation.

DearJohn,

Gloria

DearJohn,

I want aman who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtfulpeople, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior.You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelingswhatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let mebe?

Yours,

Gloria

Caring Men One Liner

2011-12-08T00:32:00.001-08:00

How manyhonest, intelligent, caring men in the worlddoes it take to do the dishes?

Both ofthem.

Texas Police Joke

2011-12-07T04:58:00.001-08:00

A bit of a groaner, really!

A fewyears back, in a small Texas town, the local madam also operated the local telephone service.

When the police finally arrested her, they found her book of"talent." Each police officer was then assigned to investigate some"girls" from her book.

After a week, the Chief summoned each cop to report his findings. "Detective Smith, what did you learn about the hookers on your list?"

"Chief, I'm sorry, but I need to disqualify myself," said Smith."One of the women I interviewed is eighty-four years old and so charmingthat I have fallen in love with her."

"Dammit, boy!" shouted the Chief. "I'm surprised at you. You'vebeen a cop for 25 years and here you go, falling for the oldest trick in thebook!"

Worst Driving Record

2011-12-06T01:07:00.001-08:00

Thelongest journey completed with the handbrake on was one of 504 km (313 miles) from Stranraer to Holyhead by Dr. Julie Thorn (GB) at the wheel of a Saab 900on the 2nd April 1987.

Dr. Thorn smelled burning two miles into her journey atAird but pressed on to Holyhead with smoke billowing from the rear wheels.

Thisjourney also holds the records for the longest completed journey with the chokefully out and the right indicator flashing.

Women's Secrets Joke

2011-12-05T01:48:00.001-08:00

At adinner party, several of the guests were arguing whethermen or women were more trustworthy.

"No woman," said oneman, scornfully, "can keep a secret."

"Idon't know about that," huffily answered a woman guest. "Ihave kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one."

"You'lllet it out some day," the man insisted.

"Ihardly think so!" responded the lady. "When a woman has kept asecret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever."

Skinhead Joke

2011-12-04T00:34:00.001-08:00

Askinhead was window shopping with his girlfriend when she spotted a beautifuldiamond ring in a jewelry store window.

"Wow, I'd sure love to have that!" she said.

"No problem, babe," he said, throwing a brick through the glass andgrabbing the ring.

A few blocks later, she admired a black leather jacket in another shop window."What I'd give to own that!" she said.

"Sure thing, honey," he said, throwing another brick through thewindow and snatching the coat.

Soon they passed a Mercedes dealership. "I'd do anything for one ofthose!" she said, pointing to a convertible.

"Damn it, baby!"cried the skinhead, "Do you think I'm made of bricks?!"

Guide To Modern Science Joke

2011-12-03T00:20:00.001-08:00

Handyguide to modern science:

If it's green or wriggles, it's biology.
If it stinks, it's chemistry.
If it doesn't work, it's physics.

Australian Tourism Q & A

2011-12-02T00:12:00.001-08:00

Thesewere posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, howdo the plants grow? ( UK ).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q:I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden )

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list ofthem in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK )

A: What did your last slave die of?

Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )

A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ... Oh, forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross.Come naked.

Q:Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA )

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'llsend the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
A:Why? Just use your fingers like we do...

Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ... Oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross,straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )

A: You are a British politician, right?

Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany )

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q:Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnakeserum. (USA )

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and makegood pets.

Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name.It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gumtrees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go outwalking.

Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q:Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )

A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

Blonde Truck Drivers Joke

2011-12-01T03:11:00.001-08:00

Two blonde truckdrivers arrive in front of a tunnel. The sign says MAXIMUM HEIGHT 3METERS. The first driver measures his truck and says, "Damn...3.2meters!"

Thesecond one looks furtively around and says, "No police, anywhere. We can go!"

Little Johnny Joke

2011-11-30T01:08:00.001-08:00

Teacher:How can one person make so many stupid mistakes in one day?

LittleJohnny: I get up early.

Science Test Answers

2011-11-29T00:13:00.001-08:00

These are some actual answers given by kids in a science test -

Q:Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutantslike grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section".
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Real Life Dumb Crooks Stories

2011-11-27T00:49:00.001-08:00

All true stories -

SouthCarolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag ofcocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it wassubstandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him bearrested immediately.

Indiana:A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demandedall the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot,he fled - leaving his wallet on the counter.

Texas: Aman convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 indamages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he providedthe court with a check - a forged check. He got 10 years.

LocationUnknown: A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announceda robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head - andrealized that he'd forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask.

LocationUnknown: A man successfully broke intoa bank's basement through astreet-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in theprocess. He then realized that (1) he could not get to the moneyfrom where he was;(2) he could not climb back out the window throughwhich he had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly. So helocated a phone and dialed 911 for help ...

Parakeet Joke

2011-11-26T03:39:00.001-08:00

Acarpet-layer had just finished installing a carpet for a lady. Hestepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes.

In themiddle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sensepulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said tohimself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattenedthe hump.

As he wascleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handinghim his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway."

"Now,"she said, "if only I could find my parakeet. "

Limerick

2011-11-25T00:03:00.001-08:00

There wasa young fellow from Sparta,

A reallymagnificent farter,

On thestrength of one bean

He'd fartGod Save The Queen,

AndBeethoven's Moonlight Sonata.

Two Priests And A Rabbi Joke

2011-11-24T03:32:00.001-08:00

Twopriests and a rabbi were discussing what portion of the weeklycollection they kept for themselves.

The first priest explainedthat he drew a circle on the ground, stepped a few pacesback and pitched the money towards the circle. What landed inthe circle he kept and what landed outside the circle God kept.

Thesecond priest claimed that his method was almost the same, exceptthat what landed outside the circle went to the priest and themoney that landed inside the circle God kept.

The rabbisaid, "I've got you both beat. I throw the money into theair and what God wants, god takes."

A Short History Of Medicine

2011-11-23T00:02:00.001-08:00

I have anearache...

2000 B.C.- Here, eat this root.

1000 A.D.- That root is heathen. Here, say thisprayer.

1850 A.D.- That prayer is superstition. Here,drink this potion.

1940 A.D.- That potion is snake oil. Here,swallow this pill.

1985 A.D.- That pill is ineffective. Here, takethis antibiotic.

2000 A.D.- That antibiotic is artificial. Here,eat this root.

Man In Theatre Joke

2011-11-22T00:01:00.001-08:00

A man laysprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, butyou're only allowed one seat."

The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.

"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriatedthe usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aislein search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usherand the manager returned and stood over the man.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly tomove him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned thepolice.

The cop surveyed the situation briefly thenasked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"

"Sam," the man moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?"

With pain inhis voice Sam replied, "The balcony."

Irish Dog Joke

2011-11-21T00:27:00.001-08:00

Paddy andhis missus are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbour's dog barking. It had been barking for hours and hours.

Suddenly, Paddy jumps out of bed and says, "I’ve had enough of this."He goes downstairs.

Paddy finally comes back up to bed and his wife says, "The dog is stillbarking. What have you been doing?"

Paddy says, "I’ve put their dog in our yard ... now we'll see howTHEY like it!"

Sermon Joke

2011-11-20T00:01:00.001-08:00

Aminister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said,"If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into theriver."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in theworld, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had allthe whisky in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

Sermon complete, he sat down. The hymn leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearlylaughing, "For our closing hymn, let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall WeGather at the River."

Lonely Hearts Ads

2011-11-19T00:12:00.001-08:00

These are actual ads from a Scottish lonely hearts column.

1.Aberdeen man, 50, in desperate need of a ride. Anything considered. Box 06/03.

2. Ginger-haired Partick, troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a fewscoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more. Box 84/87.

3. Chartered accountant, 42, seeks female for marriage.. Duties will includecooking, light cleaning and accompanying me to office social functions.References required. No time-wasters. Box 23/45

4. Bad-tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard living in a damp cottage in the arseend of Orkney seeks attractive 21-year old blonde lady with big chest. Box40/27.

5. Devil-worshiper, Stirling area, seeks like-minded lady for wining anddining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks and slaughtering dogs incemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon. Box 52/07.

6. Govan man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the nightof February 27 between 8 p.m. and 11:30 p.m. Box 99/9.

Dietary Joke

2011-11-18T05:24:00.001-08:00

A doctor was addressing a largeaudience.

"Red meat is bad for you," he told the audience.

"Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining."

"Chinese food is loaded with MSG."

"High fat diets are disastrous."

"No one knows the long-term effect of germs in our drinking water,"said the doctor. "But one food is the most dangerous of all and I bet every one of you haseaten it at least once. Can anyone tell me which food causes the most grief foryears after you eat it?"

An old man in the front row raised his hand and softly asked, "Is itwedding cake?"

God's Creation Joke

2011-11-17T00:15:00.001-08:00

On thefirst day, God created the dog and said, “Sit all day by the door of you house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you atwenty year life span.”

The dog said, “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years andI’ll give you back the other ten years?”

God agreed.

On the second day God created the monkey and said, “Entertain people and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty year life span.”

The monkey said: “Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten years like the dog did?”

And God agreed.

On the third day God created the cow and said, “You must go into the field withthe farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk tosupport the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixtyyears.”

The cow said, “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live.. How abouttwenty and I’ll give you back the forty?”

And God agreed.

On the forth day God created humans and said, “Eat, sleep, play, marry andenjoy your life. For this I will give you a life span of twenty years,”

But the humans said, “Only twenty years! Could you possibly give me my twenty,the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the doggave back: that makes eighty, okay?”

“Ok” said God, “You asked for it.”

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoyourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Old Man At The Jeweler's Joke

2011-11-16T00:19:00.001-08:00

An older, white-haired man walked into a jewellery store oneFriday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler hewas looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showedit to him.

The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something veryspecial."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought anotherring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jewelersaid.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.Seeing this, the old man said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by check."I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I'll write it now andyou can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring upMonday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "You old fart,you lied. There's no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend Ihad?!"

Old Man's Confession Joke

2011-11-15T00:45:00.001-08:00

Anelderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren. I started taking this new Viagra pill, and last night I had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls. Both of them. Twice.

The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"

"Never Father, I'm Jewish."

"So then, why areyou telling me?"

"Because I'm telling everybody!"

Gloria Steinem Quote

2011-11-14T00:05:00.001-08:00

"Ihave yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career."

GloriaSteinem

Blonde Bet Joke

2011-11-13T00:20:00.001-08:00

Homer, ahandsome dude, walks into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sits down next to a blonde at the bar and stares up at the TV. The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large buildingpreparing to jump.

The blonde looks at Homer and says, " Do you think he will jump?"

Homer says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Homer placed $20 dollars on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off ofthe building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her$20 dollars to Homer and said, "All is fair. Here is your money."

Homer replies, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5o'clock news and knew he would jump."

The blonde replies, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again.".

Kantor Quote

2011-11-12T00:09:00.001-08:00

Althougha wise man might urge that one suffer fools gladly, this should not beconstrued as license for any fool to demand that one do so.

Frederick William Kantor

Some Things To Think About

2011-11-11T00:06:00.001-08:00

1. If youwant a rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

2. Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

3. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

4. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

5. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

6. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

7. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

8. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Beggars Joke

2011-11-10T03:28:00.001-08:00

Hassanand Habib are beggars.

They beg in different areas of Sydney ..

Habib begs just as long as Hassan but only collects $2 to $3 every day.

Hassan brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Habib says to Hassan, 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how do youbring home a suitcase full of $10 notes every day?'

Hassan says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say ?'

Habib's sign reads; 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.

Hassan says, 'No wonder you only get $2- $3 !'

Habib says... 'So what does your sign say ?'

Hassan shows Habib his sign....

It reads: 'I only need another $10 to move back to Pakistan .'

Seniors Joke

2011-11-09T00:09:00.000-08:00

Joe stillenjoyed chasing girls when he got to be 70.

When hiswife was asked if she minded, she answered, "Why should I be upset?Dogs chase cars, but they can't drive."

Calls To Tech Support

2011-11-08T00:03:00.000-08:00

These are actual calls to Tech Support -

TechSupport: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."

Customer: "OK".

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "OK. Right-click again. So you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No".

Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until thispoint?"

Customer: "Sure. You told me to write "click" and I wrote"click".

TechSupport: "OK. In the bottom left-hand side of the screen, can you see the"OK" button displayed?"

Customer: "Wow!" How can you see my screen from there?"

Groucho Marx Quote

2011-11-07T00:04:00.000-08:00

Man doesnot control his own fate. The womenin his life do that for him.

GrouchoMarx

Doctor Joke

2011-11-06T01:28:00.001-07:00

A womancalled her doctor to complain about her husband's snoring. "Is thereanything you can do?" she pleaded.

"Well, there is one operation that will cure your husband, but it's ratherexpensive: $1,000 plus $450 a month for 36 months."

"My god!" exclaimed the woman, "that's like leasing a sportscar!"

"Hmm," the doctor murmured. "Too obvious, eh?"

Some Bumper Stickers

2011-11-05T01:02:00.000-07:00

1. Men arelike coffee, the best ones are rich, warm and can keep you up all night long.

2. Never underestimate the power of an extremely pissed off woman!

3. Being unstable and bitchy is all part of my mystique.

4. I haven't had my coffee yet, don't make me kill you!

5. Marriage: The end of a perfectly good sex life!

6. Romance: It's like sex without handcuffs.

7. Jewelry - Because great sex doesn't last forever!

8. Tequila! Helping women lower their standards for years!

9. Life! So much time, so few men!

Thomas Edison Quote

2011-11-04T01:25:00.001-07:00

Many oflife's failures are people who did not realize how close they were tosuccess when they gave up.

ThomasEdison

Boat Race Joke

2011-11-03T01:41:00.000-07:00

Two teamsof American and Chinese corporations have a boat race. On the big day theJapanese win by a mile and the discouraged Americans hire a consulting firm to investigate the problem.

The findings are that the Japanese team had eight people rowing and one personsteering while the American team had one rower and eight people steering.

Based on these results, the American team is completely reorganized to includefour steering managers, four steering area managers and a new performancereview system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive.

The following year the Japanese win again, so the Americans lay off the rowerfor poor performance and give the manager a bonus for discovering the problem.

Children's God Joke

2011-11-02T01:55:00.001-07:00

A Sundayschool teacher asked her first graders, "Whereis God?"

The roomwas filled with children that raised their hands to respond.

"Okay,Mary, Where is God?"

"Heis everywhere,"

"Verygood that’s right."

But stillthere were two children that didn’t put their hands down, so theteacher continued.

"Okay,Michael, Where is God?"

"Godis inside me."

"Verygood that’s right."

Now therewas one boy sitting in the back of the class waving his hand. He was thelast child with his hand up, so the teacher called on him.

"Okay,Danny, Where is God?"

"He’sin our bathroom."

Well theteacher just had to ask, "How doyou know he’s in the bathroom?"

Theanswer came, "Every morning my father knocks on the bathroom door andsays,

‘My Godare you still in there?’ "

Woman At Pearly Gates Joke

2011-11-01T01:46:00.001-07:00

A womanmet St. Peter at the Pearly Gates and asked if she could join her late husband,Walter Smith.

"We have a lot of Walter Smiths here," said St. Peter,"which one is yours?"

"My Walter is bald with blue eyes and hesaid that if I ever slept with another man, he'd turn over in his grave,"said the woman.

St. Peter motioned to a nearby angel. "Hey, Gabriel. Takeher over to Whirling Walter!"

Halloween Jokes

2011-10-31T02:51:00.000-07:00

Here are some jokes for Halloween!

What type of music do ghosts prefer?

Spirituals, of course.

What would you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman?

A dead ringer.

What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost?

"Don't spook until you're spooken to."

What do little ghosts drink?

Evaporated milk.

What do you get when you bite a ghost.

A mouth full of sheet.

When do ghosts usually appear?

Just before someone screams.

What do ghosts serve for dessert?

Ice Scream.

What's a ghost's favorite breakfast?

Ghost Toasties with booberries.

Why are so few ghosts arrested?

It's hard to pin anything on them.

What's a haunted chicken?

A poultry-geist.

What do you call a ghost in a torn sheet?

A holy terror.

What did the little ghost have in his rock collection?

Tombstones.

Where do baby ghosts go during the day?

Dayscare centers.

What kind of mistakes do spooks make?

Boo boos.

Where do ghosts mail their letters?

At the ghost office.

Why did the ghost cross the road?

To get to "THE OTHER SIDE."

What do you call a ghost with a broken leg?

Hoblin' Goblin.

What happens when a ghost gets lost in a fog?

He's mist.

What do you call a roomful of ghosts?

A bunch of boo-boos.

What's a ghoul's favorite game?

Hide-And-Go-Shriek!

Why did the ghost starch her sheet?

She wanted everyone to be scared stiff.

Blonde One Liner

2011-10-30T01:05:00.001-07:00

How canyou tell if a fax was sent by a blonde?

It has a stamp on it.

W. C. Fields Quote

2011-10-29T00:05:00.000-07:00

"The best curefor insomnia is plenty of sleep."

W. C. Fields

Bart Simpson Quote

2011-10-28T00:05:00.001-07:00

"DamnT.V.... Ruined my imagination and myability to... ummm... ya... you know..."

Bart Simpson

Dying Lawyer Joke

2011-10-27T02:28:00.000-07:00

Onvisiting a seriously ill lawyer in the hospital, his friend found him sittingup in the bed, frantically leafing through the bible.

"What are youdoing?" asked the friend.

"Looking for loopholes," repied thelawyer.

Husband Remarrying Joke

2011-10-26T00:03:00.000-07:00

A husbandand wife were sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at himand asks: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

"Definitely not!" her husband replies.

"Why not? Don't you like being married?"

"Of course I do," says the husband.

"Then why wouldn't you remarry?" asks his wife.

"Okay, okay, I'd get married again," the husband admits.

"You would?" the wife says with a hurt look.

The husband groans.

"Would you live in our house?" his wife asks.

"Sure, it's a great house," he replies.

"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" his wife persists.

"Where else would we sleep," the husband says.

"Would you let her drive my car?"

"Probably, it's almost new," he replies.

"Would you replace my pictures with hers?" the wife asks.

"That would seem like the proper thing to do," he answers.

"Would you give her my jewelry?"

"No. I'm sure she'd want her own," he replies.

"Would she use my golf clubs?" his wife asks.

"No, she's left-handed."

Wife: silence...

Husband: "Shit!"

Drinking Minister Joke

2011-10-25T00:17:00.000-07:00

ALutheran minister is driving down to New York to see the radioshow and he's stopped in Connecticut for speeding.

The statetrooper smells alcohol on his breath and then he sees an emptywine bottle on the floor, and he says, "Sir, have you beendrinking?"

Theminister says, "Just water."

The state trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

Theminister looks down at the bottle and says, "Good Lord,He's done it again!"

Miss Universe Quote

2011-10-24T01:42:00.000-07:00

Question:If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: Iwould not live forever, because we should not liveforever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we wouldlive forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would notlive forever.

Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universecontest

Driving Test Answers

2011-10-23T00:03:00.000-07:00

Thefollowing are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by theCalifornia Department of Transportation's driving school.

Q: Do youyield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?

A: Whatfor? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Whohas the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?

A: Thepick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: Whatare the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?

A: Alwayswear a condom.

Q: Whendriving through fog, what should you use?

A: Yourcar.

Q: Howcan you reduce the possibility of having an accident?

A: Be tooshit faced to find your keys.

Q: Whatproblems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?

A: I'dprobably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: Whatchanges would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?

A: Iwould be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: Whatare some points to remember when passing or being passed?

A: Makeeye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: Whatis the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?

A: Thecolor.

Q: How doyou deal with heavy traffic?

A: Heavypsychedelics.

Q: Whatcan you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?

A: Carryloaded weapons.

Q: Whywould it be difficult to be a police officer?

A: Itwould be tough to be a dickhead all day long.

Biker's Dog Joke

2011-10-22T00:44:00.000-07:00

A highlytimid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing histhroat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tiedoutside to the parking meter?"

A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through theseams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man andsaid, "It's my dog. Why?"

"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "Ibelieve my dog just killed it, sir."

"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kindof dog do you have?"

"Sir," answered the little man, "it's a little four week oldfemale puppy."

"BULL!" roared the biker. "How could your puppy kill myDoberman?"

"It appears that your dog choked on her, sir."

Daily Joke

Bumper Sticker

Harley Davidson T-Shirt

Limerick

Yiddish Proverb

Doctor One Liner

Kid's Lord's Prayer Joke

Rookie Policeman Joke

Mad Cow Joke

Punctuation Joke

Boxing

Courtroom Joke

Missing Wife Joke

New Priest Joke

Thomas Edison Quote

Blonde Air Passenger Joke

Kermit The Frog Quote

Crossing The Road One Liner

Butterfly One Liner

Male And Female Flies Joke

Blonde One Liner

Golfer Joke

Pastor Joke

Bear In A Bar Joke

Henpecked Husband Joke

Tech Joke

Hunter And Bear Joke

Divorce Joke

Paddy And The Priest Joke

Little Lucy Insect Joke

Little Johnny Joke

Goldfish One Liner

Santa's Bad Day Joke

Flasher One Liner

Mark Twain Quote

Stockbroker Joke

Irish Christmas Tree Joke

Christmas One Liners

Irish Gambling Joke

Church Notices

Confession Joke

Insurance Salesman Joke

Cowboy Bar Joke

Kid's Spelling Joke

Robin Williams Quote

Carol Leifer Quote

Ronnie Corbett Quote

Some Puns

Blonde Truck Drivers Joke

Actual Newspaper Headlines

Opinion Quote

Geek Quote

Punctuation Joke

Caring Men One Liner

Texas Police Joke

Worst Driving Record

Women's Secrets Joke

Skinhead Joke

Guide To Modern Science Joke

Australian Tourism Q & A

Blonde Truck Drivers Joke

Little Johnny Joke

Science Test Answers

More Real Life Dumb Crooks Stories

Real Life Dumb Crooks Stories

Parakeet Joke

Limerick

Two Priests And A Rabbi Joke

A Short History Of Medicine

Man In Theatre Joke

Irish Dog Joke

Sermon Joke

Lonely Hearts Ads

Dietary Joke

God's Creation Joke

Old Man At The Jeweler's Joke

Old Man's Confession Joke

Gloria Steinem Quote

Blonde Bet Joke

Kantor Quote