Office Joke

     My boss called me today and said, "How's it going at the office today? Is everything okay?" 

I told him, "Yep, all under control. It's been busy. I haven't had a break all day." 

"Great. Can you do me a favor?" 

"Sure, boss. What?" 

"Speed up play; I'm in the foursome behind you!"

Dan Quayle Quote

     "One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."

Dan Quayle

Season Ticket Joke

     Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. 

"Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium." 

"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine. 

Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?" 

"Absolutely not," he said. 

"How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not." 

"Season's more than half over," he said.

Little Johnny's Cake Joke

     Little Johnny was so proud of the surprise birthday cake he made for his mom, but it was all she could do to swallow even one bite. 

"How do you like it, Mommy?" 

"It's wonderful, John." 

Little Johnny beamed. "I'm glad. I'm sorry there's no candles on top but, when I took it out of the oven, they were all gone!"

Ashes Joke

     A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to fix some drinks. As he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel. 

He picks it up and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says, "What's this?" 

She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there." 

He turns beet red in horror and goes, "Oh, well, er...I..." 

She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."

Blonde Horseriding Joke

      A blonde went to a "Dude Ranch" on vacation. The cowboy preparing the horses asked if she wanted a Western or English saddle. 

The blonde asked what the difference was. 

"Well, one has a horn and the other doesn't." 

"Just get the one without the horn.  I don't think we'll run into too much traffic out here."

Military Joke

     On a joint military exercise, three soldiers shared a tent. The conversation turned to food. 

"In the Russian Army, we get 2,000 calories per day," said the Russian. 

The Englishman responded, "In the British Army, we get 4,000 calories a day." 

The American bragged, "The U.S. Army gives us 8,000 calories." 

The Russian laughed. "Nonsense!" he snorted. "No man could eat that much cabbage!"

One Liner

      Q. What's worse than finding a worm in the apple you're eating?

A. Finding half a worm.

New Lawyer Joke

     A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxious to impress potential clients. When he saw the first visitor to his office come through the door, he immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it, "I am sorry, but my workload is so tremendous that I am not going to be able to look into your problem for at least a month. I shall have to get back to you then." 

He then turned to the man who had just walked in, and said, "Now, what can I do for you?" 

"Nothing," replied the man. "I am here to hook up your phone."

Ideal Wife Joke

     George turned to his 40-year-old buddy on the next bar stool and asked, "John, Why aren't you married?" 

"I guess I just haven't found the right woman," replied John. 

"So what would she be like?" asked George. 

"Well, George, she'd have to be real pretty, great at sex, a good cook and housekeeper, know how to handle money, with a pleasant personality, oh, and money, too. And, a nice house would help," said John. 

George grimaced. "A woman like that would be crazy to marry you." 

"Oh, I don't care if she's crazy," said John.

Constipation Joke

     Aunt Dora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her constipation. "It's terrible," she said, "I haven't moved my bowels in a week." 

"I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor. 

"Naturally," she replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a half-hour in the morning and again at night." 

"No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?" 

"Naturally," she answered, "I take a book."  

Wife And Car Joke

     WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburettor." 

HUSBAND: "Water in the carburettor? That's ridiculous." 

WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburettor." 

HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburettor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?" 

WIFE: "In the pool."

Questions To Mother Joke

     Did you hear about the 10 year old boy who asked his recently divorced mother her age? She told him that was not a question to ask and that he shouldn't ask it again. 

He then asked her her weight. She, once again, told him that she wouldn't answer the question and that he shouldn't ask it again. 

The next question he asked was why she and Daddy had got divorced. 

Once again, she told him that it was not a question he should ask and to not ask that question again. He went away. 

A few minutes later, she found him digging in her purse. She asked what he was doing and as he turn toward his mother, he beamingly told her he had found all the answers to his questions by looking at her driver's license. 

He said, "Mother, you're 34 years old, weigh 125 pounds and Daddy divorced you because you got an 'F' in sex."

Circus One Liner

     How do you kill a circus? 

Go for the juggler.

Kleptomaniac Joke

     "Mr. Chilton," the analyst said, "I think this will be your last visit." 

"Does that mean I'm cured?" he asked. 

"For all practical purposes, yes," she said. "I think we can safely say that your kleptomania is now under control. You haven't stolen anything in two years, and you seem to know where the kleptomania came from." 

"Well, that's terrific, doctor. Before I go, I'd like to tell you something. Although our relationship is strictly professional, it's been one of the most rewarding of my life. I wish I could do something to repay you for helping me." 

"You've paid my fee," the doctor said. "That's the only responsibility you have." 

"I know," Chilton said. "But isn't there some personal favor I could do for you?" 

"Well," the doctor said, "I'll tell you what. If you ever suffer a relapse, my son could use a nice portable color television."

Little Johnny Joke

     It's the first day of school and the teacher told her kindergarten class, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, you should hold up two fingers." 

After a moment of quiet thought, Little Johnny asked: "How will that help?" 

Texas Court Joke

     The following is a courtroom exchange between a defense attorney and a  farmer with a bodily injury claim. It came from a Houston,Texas insurance agent. 

Attorney: "At the scene of the accident, did you tell the constable you had never felt better in your life?" 

Farmer: "That's right." 

Attorney: "Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's auto hit your wagon?" 

Farmer: "When the constable arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, my dog, who was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just  thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say  I've never felt better in my life.

Tommy Cooper Quote

    "Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone." 

Tommy Cooper

Zsa Zsa Gabor Quote

      "I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house." 

 Zsa Zsa Gabor

Psychiatrist Joke

   Psychiatrist: What is wrong with your brother? 

Sister: He thinks he's a chicken. 

Psychiatrist: How long has be been acting like a chicken? 

Sister: Three years. We would have come in sooner, but we needed the eggs.

Dolphin Joke

   Did you know that dolphins are so smart that, within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

Basketball Quote

   "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." 

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh

Johnny Carson Quote

 For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off. 

 Johnny Carson

Arkansas Birth Joke

 In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. 

To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." 

Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world. 

"Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another wee one to come." 

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie lass. 

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, lad...It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor. 

The Scot scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor. "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"

Housewife Joke

 Two housewives were drinking coffee. 

Louise said, "I woke up this morning with an awful headache. Do you have a good remedy?" 

Martha responded, "For my headaches, my husband is my remedy. He rubs my shoulders and neck, caresses my breasts, kisses my tummy, and... well, you can guess the rest. In no time at all, I forget all about my headache. You should try it!" 

Louise smiled. "Sounds great! What time does he get home?"

Old Lady At Bus Stop Joke

 Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed. 

Finally, one woman turned to the other and said, "You know, I've been sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep!"

The other woman turned to her and said "I know! I heard it snoring!"

Attorney Quote

 "As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me so much money. What's important is that you continue to do so." 

Hunter S.Thompson's Samoan Attorney

Marriage Request Joke

 A daughter brought her new boyfriend home from college. 

The young man said to her father,"Sir, I realize it's merely a formality, but I'm here to ask for your daughter's hand in marriage." 

Dad looked surprised. "And where did you get the idea that this was just a formality?" 

"From our Lamaze instructor! "