particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for is
annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick,
and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so
Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs.
Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to
give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy
bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into
the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the
liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally
dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the
kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw
end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened
the door, and there was a little angel with a great Christmas tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a
lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy
loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing
Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell
Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be
discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me
middle name. Leave it to me.'
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy
answers and asks what he wants.
Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.'
was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However, since the politician was delayed, the Priest decided to say his own
few words while they waited.
“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard
here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person
who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when
questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen
money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his
boss's wife, taken illegal drugs and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But
as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had,
indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people”.
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies
at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk.
"I'll never forget the first day our Parish Priest arrived," said the
politician. "In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to
him for confession."
newcomer was drinking in an Old West saloon when a cowboy ran through the
swinging doors, yelling, "Big Jake's a'comin'!"
immediately emptied, leaving the newcomer and his beer alone at the bar. Sure enough, soon a seven-foot tall, 350-pound cowboy swaggered in, barely
fitting through the double doors.
glanced around the saloon and, seeing no one but our friend, marched over to
him, grabbed him by the scruff of the neck, threw him over the bar, and
bellowed, "Gimme whisky!"
shaken man complied, found a full bottle, and placed it and a glass on the bar. The huge cowboy bit the glass neck right off the bottle, spat it on the floor,
and emptied the fifth in one giant swig.
newcomer, not sure what to do next, timidly asked, "Uh, do you want
"Nope," the cowboy growled. "Gotta go. Big Jake's a'comin'!"
kindergartner was practicing spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator:
cat, dog, dad, and mom had been proudly displayed for all to see. One
morning while getting ready for the day, he bounded into the room with his
arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: G-O-D.
what I spelled, Mom!" with a proud smile on his face.
wonderful!" his mom praised him. "Now go put them on the fridge so Dad can
see when he gets home tonight."
happily thought that her son's Catholic education was certainly having an
impact. Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen: "Mom? How do
you spell 'zilla'?"
1. Did you
hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
2. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little,
which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him.... A super calloused fragile
mystic hexed by halitosis.
3. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess
looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per
4. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a
family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in
Spain, and they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of
himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband
that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds,
"They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
I want a
man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful.
People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior.
You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings
whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy - will you let me be
I want a
man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful
people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior.
You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings
whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me
were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how
do the plants grow? ( UK ).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q:I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of
them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )
A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ... Oh, forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross.
Q:Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll
send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
A:Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ... Oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross,
straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right?
Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q:Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake
serum. (USA )
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make
Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name.
It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum
trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out
Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q:Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )