Little Johnny Joke

 Johnny: Dad, can you write in the dark? 

Dad: I think so. What do you want me to write? 

Johnny: Your name on this report card.

Goldfish One Liner

 Two goldfish are in a tank when one turns to the other and says  "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

Santa's Bad Day Joke

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for is annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Flasher One Liner

 Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?

He decided to stick it out for one more year!

Mark Twain Quote

 When I was fourteen years old, I was amazed at how unintelligent my father was. By the time I turned twenty-one, I was astounded how much he had learned in the last seven years. 

Mark Twain

Stockbroker Joke

 A stockbroker catches his wife in bed with another man. 

He says to her, "What's going on?"  

She says, "Believe it or not, John, I've gone public!"

Irish Christmas Tree Joke

 It's Christmas time and Paddy and Shaun decide to go look for a Christmas Tree. They gather their axe, a sled, and a broom to brush the trees off so they can get a good look at them.

When they finally reach a fine group of trees, Shaun brushes off the first tree, and stands back with Paddy to look at it. "Well, Paddy, What do you think?"

"Sorry, Shaun, this tree won't do. Let's try another one."

They come upon another nice tree, Shaun brushes it off, and they both look at it. "How about this one, Paddy?"

"Not quite, Shaun. Let's keep looking."

This goes on until nightfall. Both Paddy and Shaun are cold, tired, and hungry. "Well, Paddy, what do we do now?"

"Shaun, I think we should take home the next tree we find, whether it has lights on it or not..."

Christmas One Liners

Who's the bane of Santa's life?

The elf and safety officer.

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa.

How do you know if Santa is really a werewolf?

He has Santa claws!

Irish Gambling Joke

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up. 

Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?' 

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. 

'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.' 

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants. 

Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.' 

'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife. 

'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.

Church Notices

The following are all from various church e-newsletters and sent to members of their, respective, congregations. 

1. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

2. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..

3. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?". Come early and listen to our choir practice.

4. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered...

5. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

Confession Joke

A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. 

However, since the politician was delayed, the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited. 

“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people”. 

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk. 

"I'll never forget the first day our Parish Priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession."

Insurance Salesman Joke

Despite his best sales pitch, a life-insurance salesman was unable to get a couple to sign up for a policy. 

"I certainly don't want to frighten you into a decision," he announced, standing up to leave ...

"Please sleep on it tonight, and if you wake up in the morning, let me know what you think."

Cowboy Bar Joke

A newcomer was drinking in an Old West saloon when a cowboy ran through the swinging doors, yelling, "Big Jake's a'comin'!" 

The place immediately emptied, leaving the newcomer and his beer alone at the bar. Sure enough, soon a seven-foot tall, 350-pound cowboy swaggered in, barely fitting through the double doors. 

He glanced around the saloon and, seeing no one but our friend, marched over to him, grabbed him by the scruff of the neck, threw him over the bar, and bellowed, "Gimme whisky!" 

The shaken man complied, found a full bottle, and placed it and a glass on the bar. The huge cowboy bit the glass neck right off the bottle, spat it on the floor, and emptied the fifth in one giant swig. 

The newcomer, not sure what to do next, timidly asked, "Uh, do you want another?" 

"Nope," the cowboy growled. "Gotta go. Big Jake's a'comin'!"

Kid's Spelling Joke

A kindergartner was practicing spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom had been proudly displayed for all to see. One morning while getting ready for the day, he bounded into the room with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: G-O-D. 

"Look what I spelled, Mom!" with a proud smile on his face. 

"That's wonderful!" his mom praised him. "Now go put them on the fridge so Dad can see when he gets home tonight." 

The mom happily thought that her son's Catholic education was certainly having an impact. Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen: "Mom? How do you spell 'zilla'?"

Robin Williams Quote

  "Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." 

Robin Williams

Carol Leifer Quote

  

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Carol Leifer

Ronnie Corbett Quote

 A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for sixteen hardened criminals.

Ronnie Corbett

Some Puns

1. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

2. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him.... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

3. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

4. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain, and they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

Blonde Truck Drivers Joke

A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard.  One of the blonde men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos." 

The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" 

The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. 

He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours." 

"All right. How long do you need them?" 

The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check." 

After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time.  We're gonna build a house."

Actual Newspaper Headlines

1. Lawyer Says Client is Not That Guilty

2. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
 

3. Legislator Wants Tougher Death Penalty
 

4. Man Jumps Off Bridge. Neither Jumper Nor Body Found
 

5. After Detour to California Shuttle Returns to Earth
 

6. Woman Improving After Fatal Crash
 

7. Deer Kill 17,328
 

8. Old School Pillars Are Replaced by Alumni

Opinion Quote

"My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right."

Ashleigh Brilliant

Geek Quote

"I don't have anything against geeks. I was one for 11 years! I used to think PCs were the greatest thing since sliced bread... Then someone showed me sliced bread."

Unknown, from Charles Seggelin's 1996 Quote Book

Punctuation Joke

 The importance of correct punctuation.

Dear John,

I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy - will you let me be yours?

Gloria

Dear John,

I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?

Yours,

Gloria

Caring Men One Liner

 How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?

     

Both of them.

Texas Police Joke

 A bit of a groaner, really!

A few years back, in a small Texas town, the local madam also operated the local telephone service. 

When the police finally arrested her, they found her book of "talent." Each police officer was then assigned to investigate some "girls" from her book. 

After a week, the Chief summoned each cop to report his findings. "Detective Smith, what did you learn about the hookers on your list?" 

"Chief, I'm sorry, but I need to disqualify myself," said Smith. "One of the women I interviewed is eighty-four years old and so charming that I have fallen in love with her." 

"Dammit, boy!" shouted the Chief. "I'm surprised at you. You've been a cop for 25 years and here you go, falling for the oldest trick in the book!"

Worst Driving Record

 The longest journey completed with the handbrake on was one of 504 km (313 miles) from Stranraer to Holyhead by Dr. Julie Thorn (GB) at the wheel of a Saab 900 on the 2nd April 1987. 

Dr. Thorn smelled burning two miles into her journey at Aird but pressed on to Holyhead with smoke billowing from the rear wheels. 

This journey also holds the records for the longest completed journey with the choke fully out and the right indicator flashing.

Women's Secrets Joke

 At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. 

"No woman," said one man, scornfully, "can keep a secret." 

"I don't know about that," huffily answered a woman guest. "I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one." 

"You'll let it out some day," the man insisted. 

"I hardly think so!" responded the lady. "When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever."

Skinhead Joke

 A skinhead was window shopping with his girlfriend when she spotted a beautiful diamond ring in a jewelry store window. 

"Wow, I'd sure love to have that!" she said. 

"No problem, babe," he said, throwing a brick through the glass and grabbing the ring. 

A few blocks later, she admired a black leather jacket in another shop window. "What I'd give to own that!" she said. 

"Sure thing, honey," he said, throwing another brick through the window and snatching the coat. 

Soon they passed a Mercedes dealership. "I'd do anything for one of those!" she said, pointing to a convertible. 

"Damn it, baby!" cried the skinhead, "Do you think I'm made of bricks?!"

Guide To Modern Science Joke

 Handy guide to modern science:

If it's green or wriggles, it's biology.
If it stinks, it's chemistry.
If it doesn't work, it's physics.

Australian Tourism Q & A

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.


Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
 

Q:I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.


Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK )

A: What did your last slave die of?


Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )

A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ... Oh, forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.


Q:Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA )

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.


Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
A:Why? Just use your fingers like we do...


Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ... Oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.


Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK ) 

A: You are a British politician, right?


Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.


Q:Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA )

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.


Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.


Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.


Q:Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )

A: Only at Christmas.


Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

Blonde Truck Drivers Joke

Two blonde truck drivers arrive in front of a tunnel. The sign says MAXIMUM HEIGHT 3 METERS. The first driver measures his truck and says, "Damn...3.2 meters!" 

The second one looks furtively around and says, "No police, anywhere. We can go!"