a farmer who collected horses; he only needed one more breed to complete his collection. One day, he found out that his neighbor had the particular horse breed he needed. So, he constantly bothered his neighbor until he sold it to him.
A month later, the horse became ill and he called the veterinarian, who said, "Well, your horse has a virus. He must take this medicine for three days. I'll come back on the 3rd day and if he's not better, we're going to have to put him down."
Nearby, the pig listened closely to their conversation. The next day, they gave him the medicine and left. The pig approached the horse and said, "Be strong, my friend. Get up or else they're going to put you to sleep!"
On the second day, they gave him the medicine and left. The pig came back and said, "Come on buddy, get up or else you're going to die! Come on, I'll help you get up. Let's go! One, two, three..."
On the third day, they came to give him the medicine and the vet said, "Unfortunately, we're going to have to put him down tomorrow. Otherwise, the virus might spread and infect the other horses."
After they left, the pig approached the horse and said, "Listen pal, it's now or never! Get up, come on! Have courage! Come on! Get up! Get up! That's it, slowly! Great! Come on, one, two, three... Good, good. Now faster, come on.... Fantastic! Run, run more! Yes! Yay! Yes! You did it, you're a champion!!!"
All of a sudden, the owner came back, saw the horse running in the field and began shouting, "It's a miracle! My horse is cured. This deserves a party. Let's kill the pig!"
like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake,
He said my biscuits were too hard
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
So I turned around and smacked him one
Like his mother used to do.
Margaret died and through some error found herself in hell. She
immediately called Saint Peter and said, "This
is Sister Margaret. There's been a terrible mistake!"
explained the situation, and Saint Peter said he'd get right on it.
next day the nun didn't hear from Saint Peter so she called him again.
"Please set this error straight before tomorrow," she begged. "There's
an orgy planned for tonight, and everyone *must* attend!"
course, Sister," he said. "I'll get you out of there right
her plight slipped his mind, and the following morning Saint
Peter received another phone call from hell. He picked up the
receiver with tribulations of his heart and started to listen.
the following, "Hey, Pete, this is Maggie. Never mind!"
The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at
apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He
releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question
all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations
they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing
everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies.
The rabbit had it coming.
goes in.They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear
is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!
first military assignment was at a military induction center, and, because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits
about the government benefits, especially the G.I. insurance to which
they were entitled.
Before long the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that
Joe-Bob was getting a 99% sign up for the top amount of G.I. insurance. This
was odd, because it would cost these poor inductees nearly $30 per month more
for their higher coverage than what the government was already granting.
The Captain decided that he would not ask Joe-Bob about his selling techniques,
but he would sit in the back of the room and observe Joe-Bob's sales pitch.
Joe-Bob stood up before his latest group of inductees and stated, "If you
have the normal G.I. insurance and go to Iraq and are killed, the government
pays your beneficiary $6,000," Joe-Bob began.
"If you take out the supplemental G.I. insurance (which will cost
you an additional $30 per month), the government pays your beneficiary
$200,000," Joe-Bob continued.
"NOW," Joe-Bob concluded, "which bunch do you think they're
gonna send into battle FIRST?"
economist is back in his old college town many years after graduation
and decides to drop in on one of his old professors.
happens to see a copy of an exam sitting on the desk so he picks it
up to look at it. Upon deciding that it looks familiar he comments
to the professor that it is the same exam that he had taken 10
The professor assures him that this is correct
but adds that this time the answers are different.
Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude and Tilly were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park. The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.
Gertrude immediately had a stroke.
Then Maude also had a stroke.
But Tilly, bless her heart, being older and more feeble, couldn't quite reach that far.
station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales. So, he put up a sign that read - “Free Sex with Fill-Up.”
Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, “You were close. The number was 7. Sorry... No sex this time.”
A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, “Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.”
As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, “I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.”
Paddy replied, “No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all. My wife won twice last week!”
like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving. As you well
know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on
our way home from the odd social session over the years.
Well, I have done something about it: a couple of nights ago I was out for a
few drinks with some buddies and had a few too many whiskies as well as beers
and some rather nice claret; but knowing full well I may have been slightly
over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home.
arrived back safely and without incident which was a real surprise, since I had
never driven a bus before.
reporter was ordered to cover a story about forest fires. The CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a
flight. He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go.'
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley
and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'
'Why?' asked the pilot.
'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' , he responded, 'and I need to get some
close up shots.'
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment. Finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me is . . .. you're NOT my flight instructor?'
: "Now, my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the year that
he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not only
that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he was right
about that too."
: "Wow, that's Incredible. How did he know all of that?"
owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching
a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing
on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck
from its owner.
After some wheelin' and dealin' they settled for $10000
for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to
the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a
whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!"
"So?" asked the duck's
former owner, "Did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"
women go down to Mexico and, one night, get drunk. They wake up in jail, only
to find that they are to be executing in the morning, though none of them can
remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped into the electric chair, and is asked if
she has any last words. She says, "I am from Grace University, and believe
in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."
They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately prostrate
themselves, beg her forgiveness and release her.
The second woman, a brunette, is strapped into the electric chair and asked if
she has any last words. "I am from the Creighton School of Law," she says, "and I
believe in the power of Justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."
They throw the switch and, again, nothing happens. And again they all prostrate
themselves, beg her forgiveness and set her free.
The last woman, a blonde, is strapped into the electric chair and asked if she
has any last words.
"Well, I'm from the University of Alabama, Huntsville, and just graduated
with B.S. in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't
gonna electrocute nobody if don't plug this thing in."