Husband And Wife Night Out Joke

Wife: "Let's go out tonight and have some fun." 

Husband: "Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the light on for me!"

Horse And Pig Joke

There was a farmer who collected horses; he only needed one more breed to complete his collection. One day, he found out that his neighbor had the particular horse breed he needed. So, he constantly bothered his neighbor until he sold it to him. 

A month later, the horse became ill and he called the veterinarian, who said, "Well, your horse has a virus. He must take this medicine for three days. I'll come back on the 3rd day and if he's not better, we're going to have to put him down." 

Nearby, the pig listened closely to their conversation. The next day, they gave him the medicine and left. The pig approached the horse and said, "Be strong, my friend. Get up or else they're going to put you to sleep!" 

On the second day, they gave him the medicine and left. The pig came back and said, "Come on buddy, get up or else you're going to die! Come on, I'll help you get up. Let's go! One, two, three..." 

On the third day, they came to give him the medicine and the vet said, "Unfortunately, we're going to have to put him down tomorrow. Otherwise, the virus might spread and infect the other horses." 

After they left, the pig approached the horse and said, "Listen pal, it's now or never! Get up, come on! Have courage! Come on! Get up! Get up! That's it, slowly! Great! Come on, one, two, three... Good, good. Now faster, come on.... Fantastic! Run, run more! Yes! Yay! Yes! You did it, you're a champion!!!" 

All of a sudden, the owner came back, saw the horse running in the field and began shouting, "It's a miracle! My horse is cured. This deserves a party. Let's kill the pig!"

Blonde Jigsaw Puzzle Joke

Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished a jigsaw puzzle in only a couple of months? 

A: Because on the box it said "from 2-4 years."

Justice Joke

The judge summoned the opposing lawyers to his chambers. Confronting the lawyers, the judge said: "Each of you has presented me with a bribe." 

The lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. 

"Mr. Hearnski, you gave me $15,000. Mr. Joy, you gave me $10,000." 

The judge then handed a check to attorney Hearnski. 

"Now then, I'm returning $5,000 to Mr. Hearnski and we'll decide this case solely on its merits!"

A Woman's Poem

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake,
He said my biscuits were too hard
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
So I turned around and smacked him one
Like his mother used to do.

Sister Margaret And St. Peter Joke

Sister Margaret died and through some error found herself in hell. She immediately called Saint Peter and said, "This is Sister Margaret. There's been a terrible mistake!" 

She explained the situation, and Saint Peter said he'd get right on it. 

The next day the nun didn't hear from Saint Peter so she called him again. "Please set this error straight before tomorrow," she begged. "There's an orgy planned for tonight, and everyone *must* attend!" 

 "Of course, Sister," he said. "I'll get you out of there right away." 

Apparently, her plight slipped his mind, and the following morning Saint Peter received another phone call from hell. He picked up the receiver with tribulations of his heart and started to listen. 

He heard the following, "Hey, Pete, this is Maggie. Never mind!"

FBI, CIA And LAPD Joke

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. 

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. 

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. 

The LAPD goes in.They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit! 

Groucho Marx Quote

"From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."

Groucho Marx, from "The Book of Insults"

One Liner

VENI, VEDI, VISA  -  I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.

Military Insurance Joke

Joe-Bob's first military assignment was at a military induction center, and, because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government  benefits, especially the G.I. insurance to which they were entitled. 

Before long the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Joe-Bob was getting a 99% sign up for the top amount of G.I. insurance. This was odd, because it would cost these poor inductees nearly $30 per month more for their higher coverage than what the government was already granting. 

The Captain decided that he would not ask Joe-Bob about his selling techniques, but he would sit in the back of the room and observe Joe-Bob's sales pitch. 

Joe-Bob stood up before his latest group of inductees and stated, "If you have the normal G.I. insurance and go to Iraq and are killed, the government pays your beneficiary $6,000,"  Joe-Bob began. 

"If you take out the supplemental G.I. insurance (which will  cost you an additional $30 per month), the government pays your beneficiary  $200,000," Joe-Bob continued. 

"NOW," Joe-Bob concluded, "which bunch do you think they're gonna send into battle FIRST?"

Skydiving Lawyers Joke

What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving? 

Perfect setup for skeet shooting.

Little Johnny Joke

Teacher: Why are you late? 

Little Johnny: Because of the sign. 

Teacher: What sign? 

Little Johnny: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow. "That's what I did."

Economics Exam Joke

An economist is back in his old college town many years after graduation and decides to drop in on one of his old professors. 

He happens to see a copy of an exam sitting on the desk so he picks it up to look at it. Upon deciding that it looks familiar he comments to the professor that it is the same exam that he had taken 10 years ago. 

The professor assures him that this is correct but adds that this time the answers are different. 

Three Old Ladies Joke

Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude and Tilly were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park. The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat. 

Gertrude immediately had a stroke. 

Then Maude also had a stroke. 

But Tilly, bless her heart, being older and more feeble, couldn't quite reach that far. 

Student's Exam Request

This is a true college story -

A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam." 

She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes, "I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do... anything." 

 He returns her gaze. "Anything?" 

 "Anything!" 

 His voice softens. "Anything??" 

 "Anything." 

 His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...study?"

Brain Joke

I have finally discovered, what is wrong with my brain: on the left side, there is nothing right, and on the right side, there is nothing left...

Male and Female Word Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.

Female - Any part under a car's hood (bonnet). 

Male - The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul -ne-ra-bull) adj.

Female - Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. 

Male - Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shun) n.

Female - The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. 

Male - Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. 

Female - A desire to get married and raise a family. 

Male - Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

Mae West Quote

"Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet."

- Mae West  

Irish Petrol Station Joke

A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales. So, he put up a sign that read - “Free Sex with Fill-Up.” 

Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, “You were close. The number was 7. Sorry... No sex this time.” 

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, “Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.” 

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, “I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.” 

Paddy replied, “No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all. My wife won twice last week!”

Old Man's Operation Joke

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. 

As he was about to get the anaesthesia, he asked to speak to his son. 

"Yes, Dad, what is it?" 

"Don't be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."

Drink Driving Joke

I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years. 

Well, I have done something about it: a couple of nights ago I was out for a few drinks with some buddies and had a few too many whiskies as well as beers and some rather nice claret; but knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home. 

I arrived back safely and without incident which was a real surprise, since I had never driven a bus before.

Cnn Photographer Joke

A CNN reporter was ordered to cover a story about forest fires. The CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. 

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go.'

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.' 

'Why?' asked the pilot. 

'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' , he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.' 

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment. Finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me is . . .. you're NOT my flight instructor?'

Human Cannonball Joke

Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Northam Show, a spokesman said, “We’ll struggle to get another man of the same calibre.”

First Aid Joke

When a car skidded on wet pavement and struck a telephone pole, several bystanders ran over to help the driver. 

A women was the first to reach the victim, but a man rushed in and pushed her aside. 'Step aside, lady,' he barked. 'I've taken a course in first-aid!' 

The women watched for a few minutes, then tapped him on the shoulder. 'Pardon me,' she said. 'But when you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm right here.'

Grandfather's Death Joke

Fellow 1 : "Now, my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he was right about that too." 

Fellow 2 : "Wow, that's Incredible. How did he know all of that?" 

Fellow 1 : "A judge told him."

Dancing Duck Joke

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. 

After some wheelin' and dealin' they settled for $10000 for the duck and the pot. 

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!" 

"So?" asked the duck's former owner, "Did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

Blonde One Liner

Why did the blond get fired from the M&M's Factory? 

She threw away all the w's.

Blonde Execution Joke

Three women go down to Mexico and, one night, get drunk. They wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executing in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before. 

The first one, a redhead, is strapped into the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I am from Grace University, and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent." 

They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately prostrate themselves, beg her forgiveness and release her. 

The second woman, a brunette, is strapped into the electric chair and asked if she has any last words. "I am from the Creighton School of Law," she says, "and I believe in the power of Justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." 

They throw the switch and, again, nothing happens. And again they all prostrate themselves, beg her forgiveness and set her free. 

The last woman, a blonde, is strapped into the electric chair and asked if she has any last words. 

"Well, I'm from the University of Alabama, Huntsville, and just graduated with B.S. in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if don't plug this thing in."

Adam And Eve Joke

One day, God and Adam were walking in the Garden of Eden. God told Adam that it was time to populate the Earth. 

"Adam, you can start by kissing Eve." 

"Lord, what is a kiss?" asked Adam. 

God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush and kissed her. A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord! That was great! What's next?" 

"Adam, I now want you to caress Eve." 

"Lord, what is caress?" asked Adam. 

God explained, then Adam took Eve behind the bush and caressed her. A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord that was even better than a kiss! What's next?" 

"Here is what gets the deed done. I now want you to make love to Eve." 

"Lord, what is make love?" asked Adam. 

God explained, then Adam took Eve behind the bush. 

A few seconds later, Adam returned and asked, "Lord, what is a headache?"

Edinburgh Fringe Awared-Winning Joke

The award for the best Joke at the annual Edinburgh Fringe Festival was won by Nick Helm for the following joke -

"I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."