Old Lady In Church Joke

Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 

Eighty percent held up their hands. 

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady. 

"Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" asked the Minister. 

"I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly. 

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?" 

"Ninety-eight." she replied. 

"Oh, Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?" implored the Minister. 

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation and, in a clear, strong voice, said: "I outlived the bitches."

Getting Out Of Shopping

Mr. Dillon hates to go shopping with his wife, but Mrs. Dillon insists he accompany her regularly to her favorite department store where, without fail, he gets very bored because he prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Dillon loves to browse. 

One day, Mrs. Dillon received the following letter from the department store's management: 

Dear Mrs. Dillon,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban both of you from all of our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. All complaints against Mr. Dillon are listed below. 

Things Mr. Dillon has done while his spouse was shopping at our store: 

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking. 

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in the House Wares department to go off at 5-minute intervals. 

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the ladies rest rooms. 

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3" in house wares ... and watched what happened. 

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on layaway. 

6. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area. 

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department. 

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?" 

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose. 

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are. 

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme. 

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels. 

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!" 

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!" 

And last, but not least .. 

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while, then yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!" 

Thank you

Irish Confessional Joke

A Catholic guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church. 

There's a fully-equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the shelf of one wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates, the other wall has pornographic pictures of a buxom blond. 

He hears a priest come in.

"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession; but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be." 

"Get out. You're on my side," the priest replies.

One Liner

What should you say if he asks you, "Am I your first?" 

"You might be - you look familiar."

Blonde's Honeymoon Joke

On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find her new Irish Catholic husband had settled down on the couch. 

When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied:

'It's Lent.' 

In tears, she sobbed thinking: 'Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard...', then asked him again: 'Who did you lend it to, and for how long...?!'

Golf Joke

"Well, Ted," said Bob, "you're certainly moving up in the world. Now you play golf with not one, but two  caddies?" 

"It was my wife's idea," said Ted. 

"Your wife? How's that?" 

"She said I needed to spend more time with the kids!"

Mexican Joke

During the Mexican/American war, an intense long stand-off occurred along the front. For days and days neither side made any advances. 

Finally, an American general had a bright idea. He aimed his rifle at the Mexican trenches and yelled "Hey Juan!" 

A soldier jumped up and replied, "What?" 

The general shot him dead. 

This continued for three days. A Mexican general decided that two could play this game and decided to try it out. He called out, "Hey John!!" 

An American replied, "John isn't here......is that you Juan?" 

The Mexican general stood up, "Yeah?!".....

Feminist Fairy Tale Joke

Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. 

The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so." 

That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she kept laughing and saying, "I don't think so."

Bat One Liner

What is the worst thing that can happen to a bat while it sleeps? 

Diarrhoea!

Juror Joke

Sue reports for jury duty as ordered, and promptly asks to be excused because she believes she's prejudiced. 

"I took one look at those shifty eyes and that cheap polyester suit and I immediately knew that he was guilty as sin." 

"Sit down," says the judge. "That's the prosecuting attorney."

Old Golfer Joke

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. 

Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him. 

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green. 

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree." 

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. 

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

ATM Instructions

Chase is very pleased to announce that we are installing new Drive-thru ATMs where customers will be able withdraw cash without leaving their vehicle. (Other accounts can also utilise this facility) Male and female procedures have been tailored to best reflect the behaviors of those particular groupings.

PROCEDURE FOR MALE CUSTOMERS: 

1. Drive up to the ATM

2. Open the car window

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN

4. Enter amount of cash required and press "enter"

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt

6. Close window

7. Drive away

PROCEDURE FOR FEMALE CUSTOMERS: 

1. Drive up to the ATM

2. Reverse back the required distance to align car with ATM

3. Re-start stalled engine

4. Open the car window

5. Find handbag, empty all contents onto the passenger seat and locate card 6. Turn radio down

7. Attempt to insert card into ATM

8. Open car door to allow easier access to ATM due to excessive distance between car and ATM

9. Insert card

10. Re-insert card the right way up

11. Ignore the sound of car horn from vehicle behind

12. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate diary with PIN written on the inside back page under "Date of Birth"

13. Enter PIN

14. Press "cancel" and re-enter PIN

15. Enter amount of cash required and check make-up in rearview mirror

16. Drum fingertips on steering wheel for one minute, then look at ATM and press "enter"

17. Retrieve cash and receipt

18. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate purse and place cash inside

19. Place receipt in back of cheque book

20. Re-check make-up

21. Drive forward two metres

22. Reverse back to ATM ignoring the sound of car horn from vehicle behind 23. Retrieve card

24. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate card holder and place card in an empty slot

25. Drive two or three kilometres

26. Release hand brake

Rudolph The Red Joke

Another groaner!

There was once a great tsar in Russia named Rudolph the Red. He stood looking out the windows of is palace one day while his wife, the Tsarina Katerina, sat nearby knitting. He turned to her and said, "Look my dear, it has begun to rain!" 

Without even looking up from her knitting she replied, "It's too cold to rain. It must be sleeting." 

The Tsar shook his head and said, "I am the Tsar of all the Russias, and Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"

Pill Joke

Mrs. Ogden went to her doctor and said "Please give me a prescription for the Pill." 

"I don't think you need the Pill at your age." 

"It relaxes me." 

"But you know the 'purpose' of the Pill. It's not for relaxing," exclaimed the physician. 

"I know," said Mrs Ogden, "but my daughter dates, and every morning I drop one in her orange juice. Believe me, I feel more relaxed."

Blonde One Liner

How did the blond break her leg while raking leaves? 

She fell out of the tree.

Butcher Joke

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. 

He said, "No bet, the steaks are too high."

Perjury Joke

Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim?

Defendant: No, I did not.

Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?

Defendant: Yes, I do. And they're a heck of a lot better than the penalty for murder!

Parking Ticket Joke

A driver tucked a note under her windshield wiper and dashed off: "I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't park here I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses." 

Returning, she came back only to find a parking ticket and this note: "I've circled the block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job... Lead us not into temptation."

Doctor - Patient Joke

A man walked into the doctors and said, "I've hurt my arm in several places." 

The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

Husband - Wife Argument Joke

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. 

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." 

He left it where he knew she would find it. 

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. 

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up." 

Men are not equipped for this kind of contest.

Husband And Wife Argument Joke

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for an early morning business flight. 

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 am." 

He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 am and he had missed his flight. 

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 am. Wake up." 

Men are not equipped for this kind of contest.

Clever Patient Joke

A 75-year-old lady rings her local hospital and this conversation follows: 

'Hello I'd like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree. She was admitted last week with chest pains and I just want to know if her condition has deteriorated, stabilised or improved.' 

'Do you know which ward she is in?' 

'Yes, ward P, room 2B' 

'I'll just put you through to the nurse station.' 

'Hello, ward P, how can I help?' 

'I would just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree, I was wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised or improved.' 

'I'll just check her notes. I'm pleased to say that Mrs Tiptree's conditioned has improved. She has regained her appetite, her temperature has steadied and after some routine checks tonight, she should be well enough to go home tomorrow.' 

'Oh that's wonderful news, I'm so happy, thank you ever so much!' 

'You seem very relieved, are you a close friend or relative?' 

'No, I'm Mrs Tiptree in room 2b. Can't find out anything in here.'

Customer Complaints Joke

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. 

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?" 

He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

Blonde Bowling Teams Joke

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a week-end gambling trip to Louisiana. The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level. 

The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. 

The brunette asked, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!" 

One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered... "YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!"

Wedding Anniversary Joke

A husband was in BIG trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary. 

"Tomorrow," his wife angrily told him, "there had better be something in our driveway that goes from zero to 200 in two seconds flat!" 

The next morning, the wife looked outside and saw a small package in the driveway. She brought it inside, opened it .... and found a brand new bathroom scale. 

Funeral services for her husband have been set for Saturday ...

Pigs Joke

A farmer decides that his three sows should be bred, and contacts his neighbour down the road who owns three male pigs. They agree on a stud fee, and the farmer puts the sows in his pickup and brings them down the road to the males. 

He leaves them all day, and when he picks them up that night, asks the man how he can tell it “took” or not. 

The breeder replies that if, the next morning, the sows were grazing on grass, they were pregnant, but if they were rolling in the mud as usual, they probably weren’t. 

Come the morning, the sows are rolling in the mud as usual, so the farmer puts them in the truck and brings them back for a second full day of frolic. This continues for a week, since each morning the sows are rolling in the mud. 

About the sixth day, the farmer wakes up and tells his wife: “I don’t have the heart to look again. This is getting ridiculous. You check today.” 

The wife peeps out the bedroom window and starts to laugh. 

“What is it?” asks the farmer excitedly. “Are they grazing at last?” 

“Nope,” says the wife. “They are waiting in the truck.”

Blonde Double-Glazing Joke

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. 

Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the windows had been installed 12 months ago, and I hadn't yet paid him for them. 

Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy had told ME last year: namely that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! 

'Hel-loooooo!!' (I told him). 'It's now been a year!' 

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up... he hasn't called back. 

Probably too embarrassed about forgetting the guarantee they made me. Bet he won't underestimate MY intelligence again!

Blonde One Liner

What is the smartest blonde? 

A golden retriever

Creative Answering Machine Messages

1. Hello. I'm Jim's answering machine. What are you?

2. Hi, this is Jim's answering machine. He's not here, but I'm open to suggestions.

3. Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone ...

4. [Very fast] Hi, this is 555-4344. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and ...BEEP!

5. Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

De- Joke

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed and dry cleaners depressed? 

Laundry workers could decrease, eventually becoming depressed and depleted! Even more, bedmakers will be debunked, baseball players will be debased, landscapers will be deflowered, bulldozer operators will be degraded, organ donors will be delivered, software engineers will be detested, the BVD company will be debriefed, and even musical composers will eventually decompose. 

And on a more positive note, perhaps we can hope politicians will be devoted.

Three Old Men Joke

Three old men are out walking. 

First one says, "Windy, isn't it?" 

Second one says, "No, it’s Thursday!" 

Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer!"

Scottish Policeman Joke

A Scottish policeman was asked how he'd break up a crowd. 

He answered, "I'd take up a collection!"