Cowboy In Theatre Joke

The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager. The cowboy just groaned.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's you're name?"

"Sam," the cowboy moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?"

With pain in his voice Sam replied.... "The balcony."

Cow One Liner

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."

"I don't believe you," says Dolly.

"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

Broke Husband Joke

Tired of being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, Bill decided to solve both of his problems. He took out a large insurance policy on his wife, making himself the beneficiary, and then hired an underworld figure to kill her.

The hit man, named Artie, explained that his price was $5,000. Bill said he was more than happy to pay that much but he would have to use the money from his wife's insurance policy.

Artie insisted on a down payment in cash, so Bill opened his wallet and showed Artie the single, lonely dollar bill inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the down payment.

Artie followed Bill's wife to the local grocery, surprised her in the produce department and strangled her. As she slumped to the floor, the produce manager happened upon the scene. Not wanting to leave a witness, Artie had no choice but to strangle him, too.

However, the entire proceeding was captured on video by the store's security system, the police were summoned, and Artie was arrested leaving the building. Questioned by the police, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless Bill.

Which is why the next day's newspaper headline declared: "Artie Chokes Two for a Dollar at Safeway!"

Artist Joke

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"The guy was your doctor."

Lawyer One Liner Joke

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

How many can you afford?

More English Signs Found Abroad

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:

OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

English Signs Found Abroad

The following are actual signs written in English in non-English-speaking countries

In a Bangkok temple:

IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctor's office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES .

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

Blonde Swimmer Joke

A blonde, brunette and redhead woman decided to compete in the Breast Stroke division of the English Channel swim competition. The brunette came in first, the redhead second. The blonde finally reached the shore completely exhausted.

After being revived with blankets and a drink she remarked, "I don't want to complain, but I'm pretty sure those other two girls used their arms."

His And Her Political Correctness

HIS

1. She is not a BABE or CHICK - She is a BREASTED CITIZEN.

2. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

3. She is not BLONDE - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

4. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

5. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.


HER

1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID STORAGE FACILITY.

2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

3. He does not GET LOST - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

5. He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER - He is GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL.

Flying Blondes Joke

There were two blondes going to California for the summer, they are about two hours into the flight and the pilot gets on the intercom and says we just lost an engine but it is all right we have three more but it will take us an hour longer.

A half hour later he gets on the intercom again and says we just lost another engine but its all right we have two more it will take us another half hour though.

One of the blondes says "If we lose the two last engines we will be up here all day."

Blondes In A Parking Lot Joke

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they just couldn't! The blonde with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath.

The other blonde said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."

Blonde Wife Joke

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 a.m.

The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened for a moment, then said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here", and hung up.

"Who was that?" asked her husband.

His wife answered, "I don't know. Some woman calling wanting to know if the coast is clear."

More Royal Marine Appraisals Of Junior Officers

These are some more actual appraisals of junior officers.



1. "This officer doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

2. "He has a knack of making strangers immediately."

3. "This officer brings joy to others, when he leaves the room."

4. "When his I.Q. reaches 50, he should sell."

5. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored - he's the other one."

6. "A photographic memory, but with the lens cover left on."

7. "This officer is a prime candidate for natural de-selection."

8. "This officer has two brains: one is lost, the other is out looking for it."

9. "If this officer was any more stupid he'd have to be watered."

10. "If you gave this officer a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

11. "It's hard to believe that he beat a million other sperm."

12. "Some officers drink from the fountain of knowledge, he's only gargled."

13. "This officer would have to study for a month to pass a urine test."

Blonde Pronunciation Joke

A couple of blondes were driving through Louisiana when they came to a sign that told them they were almost at Natchitoches. They argued all the way there about how to pronounce the name of the town. Finally they stopped for lunch. After getting their food, one of the blondes said to the blonde cashier, "Can you settle an argument for us? Very slowly, tell us where we are."

The blonde cashier leaned over the counter and said, "Buuurrrrrr-Gerrrrrr Kiiiinnnnnggg"

True Hospital Incidents

These are some actual incidents as reported by doctors in Britain's National Health Service.


1. A man dashes into the A&E dept. and yells, 'My wife's going to have her baby in the taxi.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the taxi, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly after protests from the lady I noticed that there were several taxis, and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, St. Andrews Hosp., Glasgow.

2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,' I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,'. .. . replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Barnes, St.Thomas's, Bath.

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her on her mobile phone reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg, Royal London Hosp.

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment, he told me that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
'Which one?' I asked.
'The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!'
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk General.

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered, 'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was still alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Maidenhead Royal Kent .

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked, 'So how was your breakfast this morning?'
'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste,' Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labelled 'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard J. Brandon, Bristol Infirmary.

7. A nurse was on duty in the A&E when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an immediate operation. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the grass.'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, 'Sorry, had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by Staff Nurse RN Elaine Fogerty, KGH London .
Dr. wouldn't submit his name

Actual Hospital Charts

The following are all from actual notes on patients' hospital charts -


1 . The patient refused autopsy.

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day, the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8 The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22 The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Speeding Blonde Joke 2

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."

Royal Marine Appraisals Of Junior Officers

These are all actual extracts from Royal Marine appraisal reports.
1. "Since his last appraisal, this officer has hit rock bottom and has started digging".

2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity".

3. "I would not allow this officer to breed".

4. "This officer is really not so much has been, but more of a definite won't be".

5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems it's only to change feet".

6. "This lady has delusions of adequacy".

7. "He sets low personal standards and then constantly fails to achieve them".

8. "This officer is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot".

9. "This officer should go far, and the sooner he starts the better".

10. "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus".

Speeding Blonde Joke

A blonde and a brunette are driving down the highway in a convertible. The brunette knows that she's speeding so she asks the blonde if there's a cop behind them.

The blonde looks behind her and sees a cop and tells the brunette.

The brunette then asks if his he's got his lights on.

The blonde replies "Yes...No...Yes...No...Yes...No"

True Bravery Joke

True bravery is arriving home late after a boy's night out, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and still having the guts to ask:

"Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

Things Said In Court

These are things people actually said in court, word for word.


Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.


Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.


Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?


Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.


Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.


Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.


Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.


Q: Did you blow your horn or anything
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.


Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.


Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?


Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?


Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?


Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?


Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?


Q: Did he kill you?


Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?


Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?


Q: How many times have you committed suicide?


Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?


Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?


Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?


Q: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?


Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?


Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?


Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.


Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?


Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.


Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.


Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.


Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing being a lawyer.

Golfer Joke

Two women were playing golf. One had a real cracker off the tee and watched in horror as her ball headed directly towards a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologise. “Please allow me to help, I’m a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me” she told him.

“Oh, no, I’ll be alright. I’ll be fine in a few minutes” the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands in his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hand inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, “How does that feel?”

He replied: “It feels great, but I think my thumb’s broken!”

Bad Day Joke

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

Courting Joke

Pappy sees Elmer walking with a lantern and asks, "Where ya going boy?"

The son smiled and replied, "I'm a-going courting Peggy-Sue."

The father said, "When I went a-courtin', I didn't need me no dang lantern."

"Sure Pa, I know." the boy said. "And look what you got !"

Blonde Paint Job Joke

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked.

"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Divorce One Liner

A friend of mine just got divorced. He and his ex-wife split the house.

He got the outside.

Blonde Suicide Attempt Joke

A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.

"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.

"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?"

"No, silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."

"And then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3,000 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."

"And then?"

"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought - This is going to make a loud noise - So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

Two Nuns Joke

There were two nuns..

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM : So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL : The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM : And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.


And for those of you who thought it would be dirty.... Say two Hail Marys!

Irish Family Joke

This is Irish logic -


Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so one of them must be Chinese. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Cha-Chu.

But I think it's Colin.

Heavenly Basebal Game Joke

St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.

"Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches."

"I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed. "We've got all the umpires."