Bubba Joke

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.

"Where do you live?" asked the operator.

Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"

There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

Dentist Joke

A couple walked into a dentist's office.

The man told the dentist, "Can you pull a tooth quickly? I'm really late! Another couple is waiting for us at the golf course and our tee time is in thirty minutes. I don't have time to wait for anesthetic to take effect."

The dentist thought, "This is one brave man, asking to have a tooth pulled without anesthetic."

The dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it, sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Honey, show him your tooth!"

Blonde In Snowstorm Joke

A blonde got lost in her car in a snow storm. She remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it".

Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing.

She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow.

The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with Wal-Mart; now you can follow me over to K-Mart."

Women One-Liner

Women are Angels.

And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly on a broomstick.
We are flexible like that.

Smart Dog Joke

A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse strapped around his neck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there until it's his turn to be served.

A man, who was already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase and noticed the dog. The butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog what it wanted today. The dog put its paw on the glass case in front of the ground beef, and the butcher said, "How many pounds?"

The dog barked twice, so the butcher made a package of two pounds ground beef. He then said, "Anything else?"

The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butcher said, "How many?"

The dog barked four times, and the butcher made up a package of four pork chops. The dog walked around behind the counter, so the butcher could get at the purse and take out the appropriate amount of money before tying the two packages of meat around the dog's neck.

The man, who had been watching all of this, decided to follow the dog. The dog walked for several blocks and then walked up to a house where it began to scratch the door to be let in.

As the owner opened the door, the man called to the owner, "That's a really smart dog you have there."

"He's not really all that smart," the owner replied. "This is the second time this week he forgot his key."

Irish Dog One-Liner

Paddy tells Mick he's thinking of buying a labrador dog.


"Don't do that!", says Mick. "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

Blonde Getting Into Heaven Joke

A blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.

'I'm sorry,' St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'

'That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'

'Just three questions' said St Peter.

'Which are?' asked the blonde.

'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T' ?'

The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?'

The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'

So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought.

The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'

'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'

The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?' St Peter went on, 'How many seconds in a year?'

The blonde replied, 'Twelve!'

'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'

'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'

St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'

'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'

'It's Andy.'

'Andy??'

'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'

'Easy' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy boiled.'

Virgin Daughters Joke

A woman had three virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period and because Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but 'Nescafe'

Mum was puzzled at first, but then went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said, 'Good till the last drop'.

Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read 'Rothmans'.

Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes and she read from the pack: 'Extra Long. King Size'.

She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in Auckland, New Zealand. Mum waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing...

Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words 'Air New Zealand'.

Mum took out her latest YOU magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for Air NZ.

The ad said: 'Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways.'

Mum fainted.

Even More Actual 911 Calls

Some more actual 911 emergency calls -


Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

Magician's Parrot Joke

Once upon a time there was a cruise ship sailing. On board, a magician was giving a show to some passengers. The magician ALWAYS had a parrot on his shoulder. Whenever the magician did a trick, the parrot would give it away.

One time the magician had a knife, he spun it around it disappeared! The parrot said "It's in his pocket, it's in his pocket". The crowd booed him because the parrot gave it away.

The next trick he did, he waved a wand around and it vanished. Again, the parrot said, "It's up his sleeve! It's up his sleeve!" The magician got mad because he couldn't keep any of his tricks secret. The parrot kept giving them away.

One day the cruise ship sank. The magician and the parrot managed to make it to an island where they stayed for about 3 months when the parrot, all of a sudden, burst out and asked: 

"Ok, I give up! Where'd you hide the ship?"

Blonde Workers Joke

Two blonde guys were working for the city public works department.

One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other and then moved onto the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it-why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed,"Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the guy who plants the trees called in sick."

Snake One-Liner

First snake:  I hope I'm not poisonous.

Second snake:  Why?
First snake:   Because I bit my lip!

More 911 Emergency Calls

Some more actual 911 emergency calls -

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher : Excuse me?
Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?
Caller : No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one.
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

200 Bucks Joke

A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.

"Hi, is Tony home?"

"No, he went to the store."

"Well, do you mind if I wait?"

"No, come in."

They sit down and the friend says, "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."

Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and Chris says, "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together."

Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, "You know, your weird friend Chris came over."

Tony thinks about this for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

911 Call

This is the transcript of an actual emergency 911 call -

Dispatcher: 9-1-1


Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn.....I think I'm going to pass out.

Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?

Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.

Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?

Caller: No, I'm a Methodist

Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?

Caller: Running from the police.

The Difference Between Dogs And Cats

A dog thinks:  Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be gods!

A cat thinks:  Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a god!

Butler Joke

This rich couple were going out for the evening when the woman of the house decided to give the butler the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late and he should just enjoy his night. Well, as it turned out the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, and came home early.

As she walks into the house she sees Jeeves sitting by himself in the dining room. She calls for him to follow her. She leads him into the master bedroom, where she closes and locks the door. She looks at him and smiles.

"Jeeves. Take off my dress." He does this carefully.

"Jeeves. Take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeys her.

"Jeeves. Remove my bra and panties." As he does this, the tension continues to mount.

She looks at him. "Jeeves. If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"

Lawyer One-Liner

If two lawyers were drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you read the paper or go to lunch?

Blonde Teenager And Porch Joke

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.

His wife overhearing their conversation said to him, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.

"Yes, the blonde replied, "And I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed her a $10 tip.

"Thank you!!" she said, "And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

Stress Mangement Technique

Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals. The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile...

1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream..
2. Picture yourself with both your hands in the cool running water.
3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
4. No one knows your secret place.
5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.
6. The soothing sound of a gentle water fall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
7. The water is so clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.

There!! See? It really does work... You're smiling already.

Lawyer One-Liner

What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving?

Perfect set-up for skeet shooting.

Musician At The Pearly Gates Joke

Three men die in a plane crash and are waiting to enter heaven.


St. Peter asks the first man, "What did you do on Earth?"

Man #1: I was a doctor.

St. Peter: Go right through those pearly gates.


St. Peter: And what did you do on Earth?

Man #2: I was a school teacher.

St. Peter: Go right through those pearly gates.


St. Peter: And what did you do on Earth?

Man #3: I was a musician.

St. Peter: Go around the side, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen...

Stockbroker Joke

A stockbroker catches his wife in bed with another man.


He says to her, "What's going on?"

She says, "Believe it or not, John, I've gone public!"

Male One-Liner

How are men like UFOs?


You don't know where they come from, what their mission is or what time they're going to take off.

Irish Blonde In A Casino Joke

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet 20,000 Euros on a single roll of the dice.

Before tossing the dice she said to the croupiers, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

And, with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and, with a broad Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed, "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the croupiers and then picked up her winnings, her clothes and quickly departed. The croupiers stared at each dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

"I don't know - I thought you were watching," said his colleague.

Man At Pearly Gates Joke

A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.


"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills of South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testorone bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.

"So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now back off, biker boy, or you'll answer to me'!"

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?" he asked.

"Just a couple of minutes ago," the man replied.

American-Mexican War Joke

During the Mexican-American war, an intense long stand-off occured along the front. For days and days neither side made any advances. Finally, an American general had a bright idea.

He aimed his rifle to the Mexican trenches and yelled "Hey Juan!"

A soldier jumped up and replied, "What?"

The general shot him dead. This continued for three days.

A Mexican general decided that two could play this game and decided to try it out. He called out "Hey John!!"

An American replied, "John isn't here......is that you Juan?"

The Mexican general stood up, "Yeah?!".....

Unwilling Juror Joke

Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?

Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.

Judge: Can't they do without you at work?

Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.

Pub Joke

Some men were talking in a pub and one told the joke, “What do you do when some one is having an epileptic fit in a bath”

One of his friends said, “I don't know. What do you do?”

“Throw your washing in”

A woman behind him tapped him on the shoulder and said, “I heard that. My husband died having an epileptic fit in the bath so that was an awful thing to say”

""I'm sorry," said the man.“Did he drown?”

“No” she said, “He choked on a sock!”

Seniors Joke

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,

New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia ...
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 89 or 98.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.