Engagement Joke

A few moments after the daughter announced her engagement, her father asked, "Does this fellow have any money?"

The daughter shook her head sadly. "Oh Daddy! You men are all alike." sighing deeply, she replied, "That's exactly what he asked me about you."

Actual Dialogue With Computer Support

This is an actual dialogue from the past with a WordPerfect Customer Support employee. Unfortunately, the employee was apparently fired after this!



Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'

Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'

Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'

Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'

Operator: 'Went away?'

Caller: 'They disappeared..'

Operator: 'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?'

Caller: 'Nothing.'

Operator: 'Nothing??'

Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'

Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'

Caller: 'How do I tell?'

Operator: 'Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen??'

Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'

Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'

Caller: 'There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'

Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'

Caller: 'What's a monitor?'

Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'

Caller: 'I don't know.'

Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'

Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'

Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall....

Caller: 'Yes, it is..'

Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'

Caller: 'No.'

Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'

Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'

Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'

Caller: 'I can't reach.'

Operator: 'OK. Well, can you see if it is??'

Caller: 'No..'

Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'

Calle 'Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'

Operator: 'Dark??'

Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.'

Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'

Caller: 'I can't.'

Operator: 'No? Why not??'

Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'

Operator: 'A power .... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff that your computer came in??'

Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'

Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'

Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'

Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'

Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'

Operator: 'Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!!!'

Doctor's Poker Game Joke

A well respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.

"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.

"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"

"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, three doctors are there already!"

Computer Gender Joke

A French teacher was explaining to her college class that French, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. "House", for example, is feminine: "la maison". "Pencil" is masculine: "le crayon".


A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups - male and female - and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine noun or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that computer should definitely be the feminine gender ("la computer") because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later review; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer") because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

Irish Fishing Joke

Paddy and Murphy, out for a stroll, come across a guy hanging over a bridge. As they get closer they see he is holding onto a pair of ankles.

"What are you doing?" asks Paddy.

"Fishing" says the guy, "My mate hangs in the water and when a fish swims by he grabs it, shakes his left leg and I pull him up".

Just then his mate's leg shakes and he is pulled up clutching a huge salmon. Paddy decides they gotta have a go so off they go and find a bridge for themselves.

Five minutes later, Murphy's leg starts shaking violently.

"You got one?" asks Paddy.

"No there's a bloody train coming!"

Sexual Statistics Joke

A businessman boards a flight and is seated next to a gorgeous woman. He notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics.

He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book. It says that American Indians have the longest male organs and Greek men are the best in bed. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"

"Tonto Papadopoulos, nice to meet you."

Words Of Wisdom

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Des Moines Joke

A driver pulled up beside a rundown farmhouse. He got out and knocked at the door. A very old woman answered the door, and he asked her for directions to Des Moines.

"Don't know," the woman said.

He got back in his car and pulled away. Then he heard voices. He looked in his rearview mirror and saw the woman and an equally old man waving for him to come back. So he made a U-turn and drove up to them.

"This is my husband," the old woman said. "He doesn't know how to get to Des Moines either."

Guide Dog Joke

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, "You can't bring that dog in here!"

The guy, without missing a beat, says, "This is my guide dog."

"Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a guide dog."

The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says, "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The second man replies, "This is my guide dog."

The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as guide dogs."

The man pauses for a half-second and replies, "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"

Statues Joke

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven. "You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "that I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll sh*t on it's head!"

Lost Wife Joke

An old gentleman was walking aimlessly through the shopping centre when a young attractive woman stopped to ask if he was OK..

"Excuse me sir, can I help you?"

The man said, "I'm looking for my wife...would you mind talking to me for a few moments?"

Not wanting to seem uncaring she said, "Yes, sure. Would you happen to have an idea where she might be?

"No," said the man, "But every time I get talking to an attractive young girl she appears from nowhere!"

Water Rep Joke

A Department of Water representative stopped to talked with an old farmer. "I need to inspect your farm for your water allocation."

The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field over there."
The water representative said, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? THIS CARD MEANS I AM ALLOWED TO GO WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

The old farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores. Later, he hears loud screams and saw the water rep running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's huge-horned prize bull. The bull was gaining on the water rep with every step.

The rep was clearly terrified, so the old farmer immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out..........

"Your card! Your card! Show him your card!"

Desert Island Joke

A young single guy is on a cruise ship, having the time of his life. On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and begins to sink. Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and drowning but our guy manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and, using every last ounce of strength, swims a few miles through the shark-infested sea to a remote island.

Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns his head and sees a woman lying near him, unconscious, barely breathing. She's also managed to wash up on shore from the sinking ship. He makes his way to her, and with some mouth-to-mouth assistance he manages to get her breathing again. She looks up at him, wide-eyed and grateful and says, "My God, you saved my life!"

He suddenly realizes the woman is Cindy Crawford!

Days and weeks go by. Cindy and our guy are living on the island together. They've set up a hut, there's fruit on the trees, and they're in heaven. Cindy's fallen madly in love with our man, and they're making passionate love morning, noon and night.

Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum.

"What's the matter, sweetheart?" she asks, "We have a wonderful life together, I'm in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?"

He says, "Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind, putting on my shirt?"

"Sure," she says, "if it will help."

He takes off his shirt and she puts it on.

"Now would you put on my pants?" he asks.

"Sure, honey, if it's really going to make you feel better," she says.

"Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your face?" he asks.

"Whatever you want, sweetie," she says, and does.

Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?"

She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other direction. They meet up half way around the island a few minutes later.

He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders and says, "Dude! You'll never believe who I'm sleeping with!"

Blonde One-Liner

Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished a jigsaw puzzle in only a couple of months?

A: Because on the box it said "from 2-4 years."

More Answers To Bible Test

Some more actual answers given in a Bible test.



1. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.


2. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

3. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

4. David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.

5. Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

6. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

7. The Epistles were the wives of the Apostles.

8. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity, he preached holy acrimony which is another name for marriage.

Bible Test

The following comes from a Catholic elementary school test about the Old and New Testaments of the Bible. They have not been retouched or corrected; incorrect spelling was left as it is.


1. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world so he took the Sabbath off.

2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of Ark. Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears.

3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.

4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.

5. Sampson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

6. Moses led the Jews to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

7. They Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses whent up to Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments.

8. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

Irish Diet Joke

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.


"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 lbs!

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The Irishman nodded. "I'll tell you though, by jesuz, I taut I were going to drop dead on de third day."

"From the hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.

"No, from the skippin'!"

Sex At 74 Joke

I just received a leaflet through my letterbox, informing me that I can have sex at 74!

I'm sooooo happy, because I live at 68.....so it's not far to walk home afterwards!

Marriage One-Liners

You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
Or get married and wish you were dead..


At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'
'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man..'


A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: 'Husband Wanted'.
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'


A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished .


A little boy asked his father, 'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'
Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'


A young son asked, 'Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?'
Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'


Then there was a woman who said, 'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late.'


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.


If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.


Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.


First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!'
Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

Military Job Evaluations

The following were taken from actual job evaluations of their subordinates by mid-ranking officers of the British Royal Marines.



1. "Since his last appraisal, this officer has hit rock bottom and has started digging."

2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."

3. "I would not allow this officer to breed."

4. "This officer is really not so much a has been, but more of a definite won't be."

5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems it's only to change feet."

6. "This lady has delusions of adequacy."

7. "He sets low personal standards and then constantly fails to achieve them."

8. "This officer is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

9. "This officer should go far, and the sooner he starts the better!"

10. "This officer has a knack for making strangers immediately."

Blonde "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" Joke

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final Plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 Milestone money. And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover.

It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?

Is it:

A) the condor
B) the buzzard
C) the cuckoo
D) the vulture

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline.

The woman hoped she would not have to use it because her friend was, well ...blonde.

She had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is C: the cuckoo."

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. Considering that her friend was a blonde, which would seem to be the logical thing to do. But her friend had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.

"I need an answer," said Regis.

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."

"Is that your final answer?"

"Yes, that is my final answer."
Two minutes later, Regis said, "That answer is absolutely correct! You are now a millionaire!"

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.

"Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant.

"How did you happen to know the right answer?"

"Oh, come on," said the blonde.. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks."

Blonde Leaving Work Early Joke

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they watched the boss leave work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early...she did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently she closed the door and crept out of the house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.

“No way!” the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"

Stranger In The Night Joke

A man and his wife were awoken at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it's 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife..

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it's 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replies the drunk.

Irishman In Bar Joke

Mick O'Riley sat at the end of the bar looking grim.


A friend asked him what was wrong.

"Ah, it's my wife," O'Riley replied. "The last time I came home drunk, she said she wouldn't talk to me for a month."

"That's awful."

"No shit!" said O'Riley. "Today, my month is up!"

More Things We Learn From Movies

1. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.


2. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

3. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off even while scuba diving.

4. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

5. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do.

6. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

7. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

8. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

9. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

10 Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.

11. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

12. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

13. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.

14. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

15. When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English.

Magician And Parrot Joke

Once upon a time there was a cruise ship sailing. On board, a magician was giving a show to some passengers.

The magician ALWAYS had a parrot on his shoulder. Whenever the magician told a joke, the parrot would give it away. One time the magician had a knife, he spun it around it disappeared! The parrot said "It's in his pocket, it's in his pocket". The crowd booed him because the parrot gave it away.

The next trick he did, he waved a wand around and it vanished. Again, the parrot said, "It's up his sleeve! It's up his sleeve!" The magician got mad because he couldn't keep any of his tricks secret. The parrot kept giving them away.

Well, one day the cruise ship sank. The magician and the parrot managed to make it to an island where they stayed for about 3 months when the parrot, all of a sudden, burst out and asked: "Ok, I give up! Where'd you hide the ship?"

Broke Old Lady Joke

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners... "

"Go away!" said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open... ''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.''

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

''Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.''

The old lady stepped back and said, ''Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."

Blonde Workers Joke

Two blonde men were working for the city public works department.

One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved onto the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one worker digging a hole, the other filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it-why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed,"Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-man team. But today the guy who plants the trees called in sick."

Things We Learn From Movies

1. Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people - whether they are employed or not.

2. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

3. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

5. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

6. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

7. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.

8. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

9. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

10. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

More Dan Quayle Quotes

1. I want to be Robin to Bush's Batman.

2. I was known as the chief grave robber of my state.


3. We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world.

4. I stand by all the misstatements that I've made.

5. My friends, no matter how rough the road may be, we can and we will never, never surrender to what is right.
Vice President Dan Quayle, in a speech to the Christian Coalition

6. Who's responsible for the riots? The rioters!

Vice President Dan Quayle giving an intelligent, in-depth analysis of the LA riots. (Herb Caen, SF Chronicle)

7. Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it.

8. Speaking as a man, it's not a woman's issue. Us men are tired of losing our women.
Vice President Dan Quayle talking about breast cancer

9. I deserve respect for the things I did not do.

10. We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.