The Biker's Wish

A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, “Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.”

The biker pulled over and said, “Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.”

The Lord said, “Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for Me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.”

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, “Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives. I want to know how she feels inside, what she’s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing’s wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy.”

The Lord replied, “You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Philosophy of Sex

Some more quotes on the subject -


"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
George Burns

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." Robin Williams

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
Billy Crystal

Halloween Ghost Jokes

Here are some jokes for Halloween!

What type of music do ghosts prefer?
Spirituals, of course.

What would you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman?
A dead ringer.

What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost?
"Don't spook until you're spooken to."

What do little ghosts drink?
Evaporated milk.

What do you get when you bite a ghost.
A mouth full of sheet.

When do ghosts usually appear?
Just before someone screams.

What do ghosts serve for dessert?
Ice Scream.

What's a ghost's favorite breakfast?
Ghost Toasties with booberries.

Why are so few ghosts arrested?
It's hard to pin anything on them.

What's a haunted chicken?
A poultry-geist.

What do you call a ghost in a torn sheet?
A holy terror.

What did the little ghost have in his rock collection?
Tombstones.

Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
Dayscare centers.

What kind of mistakes do spooks make?
Boo boos.

Where do ghosts mail their letters?
At the ghost office.

Why did the ghost cross the road?
To get to "THE OTHER SIDE."

What do you call a ghost with a broken leg?
Hoblin' Goblin.

What happens when a ghost gets lost in a fog?
He's mist.

What do you call a roomful of ghosts?
A bunch of boo-boos.

What's a ghoul's favorite game?
Hide-And-Go-Shriek!

Why did the ghost starch her sheet?
She wanted everyone to be scared stiff.

Exam Questions

Quote from an examiner at the beginning of a college exam:

Should you have any questions during the exam, just raise your hand. This should cause enough blood to flow to your brain to answer it yourself.

Are You an Attorney?

A man came storming out of the courthouse ranting and raving, obviously really angry . He stomped across the street and into the bar and flounced down on a stool muttering, "Asshole attorneys."

The man next to him recoiled in outrage saying "I want you to know I highly resent that remark."

"Why, are you an attorney?"

"No, I'm an asshole."

College Rules

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out of bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired, "How much for a season pass?"

Lawyer at the Gates of Heaven

A lawyer passed on and found himself in Heaven, but not at all happy with his accommodations.

He complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment. The lawyer immediately advised that he intended to appeal, but was then told that he would be waiting at least three years before his appeal could be heard. The lawyer protested that a three year wait was unconscionable, but his words fell on deaf ears.

The lawyer was then approached by the devil, who told him that he would be able to arrange an appeal to be heard in a few days, if the lawyer was willing to change venue to Hell.

The lawyer asked: "Why can appeals be heard so much sooner in Hell?"

The devil answered: "We have all of the judges."

Mrs Williams the Pig

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.

After the trial he asked the judge, "Does this mean that I cannot call Mrs. Williams a pig?"

The judge said that was true.

"Does this mean I cannot call a pig, 'Mrs. Williams'?" the man asked.

The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig 'Mrs. Williams' with no fear of legal action.

The man looked directly at Mrs. Williams and said..."Good afternoon, Mrs. Williams!"

The Duck and the Grapes

A duck walks into a convenience store. He asks the man at the counter, "You got any grapes?"

The guy at the counter says, "No, we don't have any grapes."

The duck says "Okay" and he leaves.

The next day the duck comes back in and says "You got any grapes?"

The man once again replies, "No! We do not have any grapes."

The duck says "Okay" and he leaves.

The third day the duck walks in again and asks, "You got any grapes?"

The man is very annoyed and says, "No! For the last time, we do NOT have any grapes. If you come in here again and ask for grapes, I'm gonna nail your bill to the floor!"

The duck replies "Okay" and leaves.

The fourth day the duck returns once again and asks, "You got any nails?"

The man at the counter says "No."

The duck says, "Well then, you got any grapes?"

Some One Liners

Where's an astronaut's favourite place on the computer?
The spacebar!

What do you call a cat that sucks on lemons?
A sour puss!

Why do cows have bells?
Because their horns don't work!

What has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.

Overweight Blonde

An overweight blonde went to see her doctor for some advice. The doctor advised her to run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised, would help her lose as many as twenty pounds.

The blonde followed the doctor's advice and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the whole twenty pounds. She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results.

At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question, "How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"

Some Knock Knock Jokes

Knock, Knock!
Who's there?
Doris.
Doris, who?
Doris locked, that's why I had to knock!


Knock, Knock!
Who's there?
Cows.
Cows who?
No they don't, they moo!

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Annie.
Annie who?
Annie one you like!

The Blonde and the Firing Squad

Three women are about to be executed. One is a brunette, one is a redhead, and one is a blonde.

Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

Suddenly the brunette yells, "Earthquake!!"

Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The redhead then screams, "Tornado!!"

Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The blonde shouts, "Fire!!"

Some One Liners

Why did the little boy put lipstick on his head?
He wanted to make up his mind!


What did the pencil sharpener say to the pencil?
Stop going in circles and get to the point!


Did you hear about what happened at the Laundromat last night?
Three clothes-pins held up two shirts!


Why did the computer squeak?
Because someone stepped on it's mouse.


What did one earthquake say to another?
It's not my fault!

Philosophy of Sex

Some quotes on the subject:

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."

Tom Clancy


"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."

Woody Allen


"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."

Rodney Dangerfield

Irish Lawyers

Q: Why are there so few Irish lawyers?

A: The majority of them can't pass the bar!

The Two Gay Irishmen

Did you hear about the two gay Irishmen?

Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick.

Irish Drunk Driver

An Irishman who had had a little to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over..."So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course" slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk."For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf!"

The Blonde's Dream

One day, a blonde went to her doctor because she kept having the same weird dream everyday.

Doctor: What was your dream about?

Blonde: I was being chase by a vampire!

Doctor: (giggling quietly) So... what is the scenery like?

Blonde: I was running in a hallway.

Doctor: Then what happened?

Blonde: Well that's the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happens. I always come to this door, but I can't open it. I keep pushing the door and pushing the door, but it won't budge!

Doctor: Does the door have anything written on it?

Blonde: Yes it does.

Doctor: And what does it say?

Blonde: It says "Pull"

The Burglar and the Parrot

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, switched his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?"

The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that would name a Rotweiller 'Jesus' !"

Pet Elephant

A man went to the vet and said, "I've got this elephant who's so sulky he just sits in a comer and mutters to himself. What shall I call him?"

The vet said, "How about mumbo jumbo."

Irish One-Liner

Why wasn't Jesus born in Ireland?

They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin!

The Blonde and the Porsche

A famous soccer player parked his brand new Porsche outside a gift store and went inside to shop.

About ten minutes later a blonde salesgirl ran up to him shouting, "I just saw someone steal your sports car."

"Did you try to stop him?" asked the soccer player.

"No," said the blonde. "I did better than that, I got the registration number of the car!"

Little Boy at the Wedding

A little boy at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the bride wear white?"

His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."

The boys thinks about this, and then says, "Well then why is the groom wearing black..."

The Fisherman

One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.

About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family.

"You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather than lying on the beach!"

The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what will my reward be?"

"Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the businessman's answer.

"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling.

The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!"

"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again.

The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!" he said.

"And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman.

The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!"

Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?"

The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!"

The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think I'm doing right now?"

God Meets Bureaucracy

In the beginning God created heaven and the earth. Quickly he was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the Cease and Desist order for the earthly part. Appearing at the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative.

Then God said, "Let there be light."

Officials immediately demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire, that he would obtain a building permit, and (to conserve energy) would have the light out half the time. God agreed and said he would call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night." Officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.

God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as manyseed."

The EPA agreed so long as native seed was used.

Then God said, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth."

Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society.

Everything was OK until God said he wanted to complete the project in six days. Officials informed him it would take at least 200 days to review the application and the environmental impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be 10-12 months before...

At this point God created Hell.

Some Quotes

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."
Jerry Seinfeld

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
Rod Stewart

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams

Naughty Uncle Tommy

A guy comes home early one day from work. And he hears weird sounds coming from his bedroom. When he gets to his room, he finds his wife naked on the bed sweating bullets.

''What the hell is going on?'' he says.

''I'm having a heart attack!!''

So he runs down stairs, and picks up the phone to dial 911. But as he is doing this, his four-year old son, comes running up to him and says, ''Dad, Uncle Tommy is up stairs, hiding in your closet, and he's naked''

So he slams the phone down, and runs upstairs, to find his own brother, in the closet. The man, then says. ''What the hell are you doin? My wife is having a heart attack, and your here running around naked, scaring the kids? You shoud be ashamed of yourself!"

Three Married Couples at the Pearly Gates

These three married couples died and when they got to the pearly gates.

St.Peter told the first husband, “I can't let you in. You let alcohol run your life. You even married a girl named Sherry.” Dejected, he turned and walked away.

The next married couple stepped up, and St.Peter told the husband, “Can't let you in sir. While you were on earth, you allowed money to run your life. You even married a girl named Penny.” The guy hung his head, turned and walked away.

The husband of the third couple waiting in line, overheard both conversations and said, “Come on, Fanny, he's not going to let us in either.”

Magic Watch

A man walks into a bar next to an extremely hot girl and immediately looks at his watch.

She says, ''Is your date late or something''

He says, ''No I just got this magic watch''.

"What does your watch do that is so amazing?" asked the lady.

"It tells me what is happening."

"What does it say now asked the lady."

"It says you're not wearing panties."

"Well your watch is wrong, I do have panties on."

"Sorry, my watch is one hour fast."

Blonde One-Liner

What did one of the blonde's legs say to the other one?

Between you and me we could make a lot of money!