E-Mail From God

One day, God was looking down at earth, and saw all the misbehaving that was going on. So he called one of his angels to go to Earth.

When he returned, the angel told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth. 95% are misbehaving, and only 5% are not."

God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I should send down another angel, to get a second opinion!"

So, God called another angel, and sent him to Earth too. When the angel returned, he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline. 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."

God was not pleased. So he decided to e-mail the 5% who were good, because he wanted to encourage them, give them a little something, to help them keep going!

Do you know what the e-mail said?

No?

Okay, just checking with you. I didn't get one either …..

Christmas Joke

A guy walks in to a kebab shop and is surprised to see Father Christmas serving behind the counter.

"Santa!" he says. "What are you doing working here? Shouldn't you be up at the North Pole preparing for the big day?"

Santa Claus sighs. He's really let himself go. The red suit's got lard and chilli sauce and bits of lettuce all over it. His apron's in a mess and he just looks fed up and like he doesn't want to be serving up kebabs for a living.

"Well," Santa says at last, "the business has gone belly up. With the recession, the credit crunch and all, the toy industry took a beating. I had to lay off some of the elves, make cut backs in quality and we just lost our competitive edge. Plus we wound up the delivery side and subcontracted out to UPS. But... it didn't help. The receivers came in, asset-stripped the business and we went into liquidation."

"Gee," the guy says. "I'm really sorry, it kind of takes the tradition out of Christmas in a way."

"Yeah," says Santa Claus and manages a wan smile. "Well enough of me and my woes. What can I get you?"

The guy says, "I'll have a large Donner."

"Sorry," says Santa. "We're all out of Donner.......Will Blitzen do instead?"

Christmas Eve Shopping Joke

On Christmas Eve, Nathan thought it would be nice to buy his wife a little gift for the next day. Always short of money, he thought long and hard about what that present might be.

Unable to decide, Nathan entered Debenhams and in the cosmetics section he asked the girl, "How about some perfume?"

She showed him a bottle costing £75.

"Too expensive," muttered Nathan.

The young lady returned with a smaller bottle for £50.

"Oh dear," Nathan groused, "still far too much."

Growing rather annoyed at Nathan's meanness, the sales girl brought out a tiny £10 bottle and offered it to him.

Nathan became really agitated, "What I mean," he whined, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."

So the sales girl handed him a mirror.

Some Christmas One-Liners

Who's the bane of Santa's life?
The elf and safety officer.


Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa.



How do you know if Santa is really a werewolf?
He has Santa claws!

Irish Couple Joke

Sammy and Malsie from Dromore had been married for forty years, when Sammy came home one day all excited. "Maisie, Maisie," he said, "I've just discovered we've been making love wrong all these years!"

"What d'ye mean, Sammy?" said Maisie.

"You're supposed to moan when we're doing it, Maisie."

So that night they were lying in bed in a state of intimacy, and Sammy said, "Right Maisie, start moanin' now."

"Sammy, that ceiling could do wi' a new coat of paint," said Maisie.

Irish Dog Joke

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a Mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya think 5,000 Euros is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"

Toilet Joke

The other day I needed to pay a visit to the public toilet, so I found a public toilet that had two cubicles. One of the doors was locked. So I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.

A voice came from the cubicle next to me, "Hello mate, how are you doing?"

Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn't want to be rude, so I replied, "Not too bad, thanks."

After a short pause, I heard the voice again. "So, what are you up to?"

Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly, "Just having a quick crap How about yourself?"

The next thing I heard him say was, "Sorry, mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some bloke in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say."

Some One-Liners

- My mate’s allergic to rice… He’s basmatic.

- What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.

- Good things come to those who wait…
But shit pretty much turns up right away.

- A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre…
So the barman gives her one.

- What do a sperm and a lawyer have in common?
They both have a one in a billion chance of becoming a human.

- How many ears has Captain Kirk got?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.

Undertaker Joke

A man called the undertaker one afternoon and sobbed, "Come and bury my wife."

"But I buried your wife ten years ago," replied the undertaker.

"I got married again," the man sobbed.

"Oh," said the undertaker. "Congratulations."

Boomerang One-Liner

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

A stick.

Irish Potatoes Joke

An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison and he didn't know anyone who would dig up his potato garden.

The old man wrote to his son about it and received this reply.

"For Heaven's Sake, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!!!"

At 4 a.m. the next morning a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns. Confused the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.

His son's reply was, "Just plant your potatoes."

Irish Blinds Joke

Paddy says to Mick one day, "Hey Mick, do me a favour mate. The next time you're making love with your wife, close the bloody blinds mate."

Mick replies, "What's wrong mate? What makes you say that?"

Paddy replies, "Well Mick, yesterday as I was walking past I noticed the whole street was standing outside your window watching the whole show and laughing at you and your wife."

Mick says, "Well Paddy, just between you and me mate, the joke is on them as I wasn't even home yesterday!"

Irishmen And Grenades Joke

Paddy and Mick are walking through a minefield when Paddy discovers an old looking box. Upon opening the box he discovers three old World War 2 hand-grenades.

"Hey Mick, I think we should take these to the museum and see what we can get for them.".

"Good idea," says Mick.

They load them carefully into the back of the car and head off for the museum.

"Hey Mick, I've just had a crazy thought. What if one of the grenades suddenly goes off without warning?"

Mick replies, "Well then we will just say we found two."

Irish 911 Call Joke

Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an Irishman on holiday dragged himself into the hospital emergency room, having driven himself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot.

The horrified nurse said, "Why didn’t you call the 911 number and get an ambulance?"

To which the man replies, "My phone doesn’t have an eleven."

Female Brain Cell Joke

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell that by mistake happened to end up in a man's head.

She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet. "Hello?" she cried, but there was no answer.

"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and again she yelled:"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE!!?"

Then she heard a voice from far, far away:"Hello! We're down here..."