Politically Correct Descriptions Of Women

        1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN. 

2. She is not a SCREAMER or a MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

3. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

4. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY. 

5. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION. 

6. She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED. 

7. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED. 

8. She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED. 

9. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED. 

10. She is not a SLUT - she is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

Football Player Joke

        Coach Bowden was talking to the newest player on the team. "It's fantastic the way you strike the line, dodge, tackle and weave through your opponents." 

Luke was a shy fellow, but blurted out, "I suppose it all comes from early training, sir. You see, my mom used to take me shopping with her on sale days."

Limerick

        There once was a fellow named Trete, 

Who from birth was inclined to be neat. 

He became extra fussy 

When he thought his pants mussy, 

And would throw them away in the street. 

Mae West Quote

        "Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet." 

 Mae West

Blonde Swimming Joke

        A blonde woman competed with a brunette and redheaded woman in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. 

The brunette came in first and the redhead second. The blonde woman finally reached shore completely exhausted. 

After being revived with blankets and coffee, she remarked: "I don't want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their arms." 

Lawyer Joke

        A very very rich gentleman dies,leaving his fortune to his only living friends, a Doctor, a CEO, and a Lawyer. But being the eccentric he was, his will stipulated that each one must place their third of the money in his coffin before he is put in his final resting place. 

The funeral comes and goes. Over a year later the three friends are talking over lunch and the topic of the old man and his strange ways comes into the conversation. 

The Doctor finally says "I have to be honest, I didn't place ALL of the money into his coffin, I kept five million". 

Then the CEO states "Well, I have to admit that I too kept some of the cash. Ten million to be exact". 

The Lawyer glares at the two and says "I am ASHAMED of you two, I wrote a check for the FULL amount!"

Even More One Liners

        1. "When my old man wanted sex... my mother would show him a picture of me."

 

2. "I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face." 

3. "My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday" 

4. "One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!" 

5. "It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips..yet she won't drink from my glass!" 

6. "Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!" 

7. "For two hours...some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper." 

8. "I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette!" 

9. "This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me." 

10. "A travel agent offered me a 21 day special.  He told me I would fly from New York to London. Then from Tokyo back to New York. I asked him...how am I supposed to get from London to Tokyo?...He told me..That is why we give you  21 days."

Some More One Liners

        1. "What a dog I got.  His favorite bone is in my arm!"

2. "I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get."

3. "One year they wanted to make me poster boy.. for birth control."

4. "I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father.  He said he wanted more proof."

5. "My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair."

6. "I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing."

7. "I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning."

8. "Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents.  I said to him, 'Do you think we'll ever find them?'  He said, 'I don't know kid, there are so many places they can hide."

9. "I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor... so they sent a priest up to talk to me. He said, 'On your marks...'"

10. "On Halloween the parents send their kids out looking like me. Last year one kid tried to rip my face off! Now it's different.. when I answer the door the kids hand me candy."

Some One Liners

        1. "I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap." 

2. "I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the west!" 

3. "My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens." 

4. "When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father...I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...but he pulled through." 

5. "My mother had morning sickness after I was born." 

6. "My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend." 

7. "My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet." 

8. "When I  played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up." 

9. "I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio." 

10. "Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room."

Vet Joke

        There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist. 

Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income. 

He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, "Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy - Either way, you get your dog back!" 

Nutritional Misconceptions

        For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. 

It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans..

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 

CONCLUSION: 

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Nightclub Joke

        A very shy guy goes into a nightclub and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. 

After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" 

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" 

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. 

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." 

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "Two-hundred dollars? What do you mean $200?"

Voltaire Quote

        God is a comedian with an audience too afraid to laugh. 

Voltaire

Bar Joke

        A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, who comes in on a fairly regular basis. 

After the second week, he made his move. 

"No thank you," she said politely. "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love." 

"That must be rather difficult," the man replied. 

"Oh, I don't mind too much," she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset."

Mark Twain Quote

         "Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself." 

Mark Twain